Go ahead with your designated period of mourning, all you Tacoma economic gurus. Sackcloth and ashes make us look fat. So beg pardon while Le Schnoz skips ahead to our designated day of Russell-related gallows humor.
It didn’t take a wizard to predict Russell Investments would follow the UPS Law School up the yellow brick road (aka “that godforsaken highway,” in the words of Tacoma Mayor Bill Baarsma) to the Emerald City.
The clue that clinched it for us was when new Russell CEO Andrew Doman was interviewed by the TNT last month, and mentioned his lovely home on the Gig Harbor waterfront.
“I’m renting,” he said.
What more do you want him to do, put a “We’re outta here!” message on a flashing Interstate 5 casino billboard?
The breakup: The most pathetic part is how we all sat around waiting for a heartfelt breakup speech, or at least a kiss-off cliché.
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you” never fails to bring a teardrop to the cheek. “You deserve more than I can give” shines with honorable intentions. “I need some space” is a familiar line, to which local developers might have replied: “Can we interest you in 15 acres at University Place Town Center?”
Some lovelorn T-towners even might have swallowed an enthusiastic delivery of “It’s not you, it’s me” without throwing up. Instead, Russell didn’t bother with a Dear John letter. Or if they did, they didn’t share it with us.
Can’t say anything nice? Then again, sometimes the best course of action is to keep your yapper shut, as proved by Seattle officials who talked a blue streak after the announcement.
They said they didn’t make much of a play for Russell; the company was just inexorably drawn by the city’s charms. “Don’t fret, kid sister,” Seattle said. “Because we’re marrying Mr. Dreamboat, at least he’s still part of the family!”
Funny how it all ends up sounding like a line from an old shampoo commercial: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”
Feeling stabbed in the back? Now the only thing left to do is plot revenge, a dish best served cold. From our dirty-tricks suggestion box:
• Mount an effort to steal WaMu from the northlanders.
• Switch street address numbers so that when the movers try to find the Russell building, they show up at the Luzon instead.
• Send corporate recruiters to the home of Russell parent Northwestern Mutual to steal its best and brightest. Oh, wait, it’s in Milwaukee? Never mind.
• Disguise voice as Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels. Call Clay Bennett in Oklahoma City. Tell him he can have the Mariners for $1,000 and a slab of ribs.
Moving on: Look on the bright side, Tacoma. Your options for that property are limited only by your imagination.
Brown & Haley is still looking for a bigger place to make Roca. Fort Lewis is always in need of more barracks, and soldiers would love downtown because it’d be easy to sneak in chicks. Or think of all the space for nail salons and payday loan shops. Lord knows Pierce County doesn’t have enough of those.
Quick, someone get the McMenamin brothers on the phone. Maybe they’ve always dreamed of a brewpub resort with an abandoned stock trading floor theme.
Once a cheater ... Our favorite part of the e-mail sent to Russell associates Wednesday morning: “Today you can read a list of frequently asked questions, and answers, by clicking on this link. There you will also find a two-page fact sheet that you can download to help you communicate about our relocation with family, friends and others in the community.”
Classy. Sit down at the dinner table with a cheat sheet of talking points from the boss. “Honey, we need to talk.”
Russell Relationship-Building 101. All that’s missing is a teleprompter.
We didn’t get any chocolate. The Russell news this week was carefully synchronized with a bunch of cream puff political statements. And nobody rides a fence better than Gov. Chris Gregoire. In the world of play-it-safe politician neutrality, she’s Switzerland.
“I certainly understand the disappointment of the Tacoma community. … I respect this was a difficult business decision, and wish the company continued success at its new location,” she said.
Wishy-washy words befitting a person who grew up in Auburn, halfway between Seattle and Tacoma.
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