All we are saying is give Reese’s Pieces a chance: Candy tax worth protesting
PETER CALLAGHAN; STAFF WRITER
The new state candy tax kicked in today, and I’m so angry I might commit the ultimate act.
You know what I’m talking about. The thing outraged Americans do when they just can’t take it anymore, when the time arrives to engage in the most extreme form of protest allowed under our cherished Constitution.
That’s right, I might put a magnetic ribbon on the back of my car.
Too rash? I think not. Sure, such acts of protest are usually reserved for, oh just about anything. But when the government comes for my Rolos, when the politicians try to push delicious Butterfingers out of the reach of my, you know, fingers, then it’s time.
This chocolate-brown protest ribbon will remain displayed until the bitter tax on sweets is repealed. Or until I replace it with some other magnetic ribbon.
I am hot, though. I mean, I am steaming. It’s either the thought of this candy tax or the after-effects of that Atomic Fireball I just finished.
Some have said paying more for candy is the least we can do to keep public safety agencies intact, to assure that public schools and colleges don’t suffer even deeper cuts, to help maintain the already frayed safety net.
Well, I happen to think it is unfair to fund schools for Dick and Jane by taxing Mike And Ike.
I can understand applying the sales tax to discretionary purchases like clothing, shoes, cars, home improvements, restaurant meals, toilet paper and winter coats for children.
But when they go after life’s necessities like Hello Kitty Candy Lip Gloss and Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans (in the fabric bag) – not to mention new taxes on pop and beer and Arrowhead Mountain Spring Water that we need to wash down all those Gummi Worms – they have gone too far.
I don’t think I’m unreasonable. I could go along with taxing the Charleston Chew, which I have been boycotting since Boeing moved the second 787 line to South Carolina. And I have sworn off Brach’s Mexican Hats in solidarity with Arizona.
Everything else, however, is a necessity of life that should not be used to fund extravagances including schools and prisons and nursing homes.
No wonder people have had their fill. Like the distraught woman who appeared in that newspaper ad during the legislative session looking like she’d just been diagnosed with cancer. Turns out, it was worse. She’d just heard about plans for a higher pop tax.
Have I mentioned beer? The liquid courage that fueled the first tea party in Boston? Without it we’d still be driving on the wrong side of the road and thinking cricket made sense.
So how do we honor the sacrifice of patriots like Samuel Adams? We hike the taxes on his namesake brew. Hurray for Budweiser for sounding the alarm, Paul Revere-style, by buying an ad in Friday’s paper reminding us to load up on lower-taxed beer before June 1.
Thinking about the Minutemen (the Revolutionary War kind, not the ones from Arizona who are, frankly, kinda scary) made me look up the history of sales taxes in Washington.
It’s the least I can do for the cause.
It seems that when the sales tax was first imposed in 1935 during the Great Depression, all food – except dairy products, bread and fresh fruits and vegetables – was subject to sales tax. Beginning in 1939, even those became taxable.
Finally, in 1977, voters revolted and exempted all food bought in grocery stores. But for a brief recessionary period in 1982, when the Legislature put the sales tax back on groceries, we have enjoyed the God-given liberties of tax-free Blow Pops and exempt Aquafina.
Until now, that is.
So stand up and fight back, Washington. To the taxman from Olympia I say: I’ll give you my M&M’s when you take them from my cold, dead fingers.
It’s a good thing they melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Peter Callaghan: 253-597-8657 peter.callaghan@thenewstribune.com
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