Dorothy Wilhelm: I'm not lost – I'm just taking the scenic route

I was trying to remove the brand new GPS navigator from the dashboard of my car while I went into church. I didn’t really expect that anyone at church would make off with my new prize, but I was trying to form the habit of removing it automatically when I left the car to prevent thefts.

When I tried to take it off the dashboard, it came apart in three pieces. I couldn’t get them back together. I sat teary-eyed, trying to get the pieces to fit. “Don’t panic,” I said to myself. “I’m sure these things happen all the time.”

Of course, I panicked.

I have a natural gift for getting lost anywhere I go. I was once lost for three days between Louisville and Nashville. I have been lost in San Francisco. Of course, everybody has been lost in San Francisco. One memorable Sunday, I was lost in my own neighborhood for three hours. That’s not easy to do. Only last year I started out to drive some Chinese visitors to Leavenworth, and instead we ended up deep in Eastern Washington. They had never seen tumbleweeds before and were very excited. I’ve sort of enjoyed the thrill of unexpected adventures like that. I just allow a couple of extra hours everywhere I go. So it was with mixed feelings that I received the gift of this ultra thin widescreen GPS electronic device from my son and his family. It really went surprisingly well. I didn’t break it until the day after Christmas.

Finally I had to call my son and his wife for a tutorial on how to put it all back together. I had to call both of them, because he speaks high-tech, and she interprets. They showed me how to put the device together and taught me to thoroughly lick the back of the suction cup with my tongue before I put it in on the windshield. I don’t know whether that was instruction or revenge but it did stick nicely. I couldn’t find that in the instruction manual though.

The manual does say not to put the unit in the glove box when it is detached, because that’s the first place thieves look. So I stuffed it into my purse which already weighs as much as a small dog or large roast. It fits, but makes me walk really funny.

Back in the car, I licked the suction cup carefully and stuck it on the windshield. Now I was ready to take to the road with my new constant companion, the lady who is the voice of my GPS. I call her Phyllis after my third grade teacher. She doesn’t nag, but I’m sure I hear exasperated sighs. I know she’s not a local girl from the way she says place names: “Turn onto Neezz-kwaliy,” she directs “and “Steel-Laco-om” or “Poi-yallup.” I snicker rudely, even though I used to pronounce those place names the same way when I first moved here.

We arrived safely but naturally, all of this 21st Century magic is not without challenges. I’ve learned that GPS works by using 31 different government satellites. They pinpoint your locations, but now there’s a worry that those very satellites are getting too old and could even fail, leaving us directionless. I’m used to that, but some of you may have to worry a bit.

Today is my 77th birthday. I used to dread birthdays and frequently took to my bed for several days while the family peered at me fearfully, but now I’m just tickled to be here. I have a gift card from my daughter for a new birthday suit, much needed. I’m certainly glad I never got a tattoo. My skin has sagged so much it would be down around my ankles now, falling like Larry King’s suspenders.

I think what I really need is a GPS unit for my life. With nice clear graphics, and easy-to-read maps. I could just lick the suction cup thoroughly, type in the destination - Happiness, Bright Future, Long Life, and Phyllis would take me there. Right Phyllis?

Never mind. I may get lost on the way, but I can find it myself.

Dorothy Wilhelm can be reached by email at Dorothy@itsnevertoolate.com or www.itsnevertoolate.com