Dorothy Wilhelm: Of valentines, swear words, and dogs vs. men

There’s a lot going on in February. We’ve survived Ground Hog’s Day but there’s still the Super Bowl parties, Presidents Day and, of course, Valentine’s Day, which can be surprisingly stressful.

I went into a bookstore to buy a Valentine’s gift for an elderly friend. (She’s three years older than me.) The store displayed a copy of the “Kama Sutra,” that ancient catalog of human sexuality, with updated illustrations. It was right there on the table with other Valentine gift ideas: poems and glitter for your toenails, that kind of thing. I flipped through the pages. I flipped through again more slowly. One more time really slowly. You could certainly see everything really well with the nice bright primary colors they used. It was amazing. I can’t even remember where most of those things are, let alone trying to assemble them in such an uncomfortable-looking sequence. All in all it was a sinus-clearing experience.

I hastily put the book back, looking around to see if anyone was watching, and I bought my friend a crossword puzzle book instead. There’s no telling what those words will turn out to be. Valentine’s Day has changed a lot since the days when we used to pick 2-cent cards with lace and hearts out of overflowing bins at Woolworth’s.

As valentines become more contemporary, they’re using less gentle and romantic language. There are even valentines with recorded rude body sounds. This has got to stop. “Rats Pajamas!” as my 5-year-old grandson says. He’s been told to avoid swearing. I endorse that sentiment. Let’s all start expressing ourselves in a more civil way. I mean, if we don’t set a good example for our politicians and Congress, they’re never going to grow up to be the sort of leaders we want.

I put an alert out to my Facebook friends, asking for their best substitutes for swear words. The average Facebook user has 130 friends. I only have 34. That explains a good deal, but Janelle Meraz Hooper responds, “Nothing can replace the ‘S’ word. Nothing. It is my only swear word and I cannot, will not, give it up.” I think she must mean “Swell,” don’t you?

Phil Chang wrote, “I used to say ‘Shoot,’ but you can’t say shoot any more! ‘Shoot!”

“Beaver Dam!” shouted my 4-year-old granddaughter.

Well, it’s not much but it’s a start.

I’m putting off thinking about Valentine’s Day as long as I can. I still haven’t taken down the Christmas decorations. I got a rather stern letter from the Resident Owners Association. Not uncivil, though. I think I’ll just put a heart in the middle of the Christmas wreath and I’m good for another month. In fact, with a green bow for March and an egg or two for Easter, I should be able to make it to the Fourth of July.

At this time of year, with the birds and bees doing what they always do, I can’t help thinking, civilly, whether I’d want romance to come back into my life. There are 32 million single women in the United States and the boomer demographic is turning 50 at the rate of 5,000 a day. At some point, every one of these women will need to ask themselves the question, “Shall I try to find my knight in shining armor before his zipper is rusted shut, or shall I just get a dog?” Well, I’ve had a man, and I’ve owned a dog, and the jury is still out. But I am thinking it over very carefully.

I wasn’t really aware of being alone until my dog died, and there was no one to greet me at the door when I came home. It was clear I needed companionship and I realized I would have to decide whether I wanted to train a new man or a new dog. “Oh, my dear,” one silver haired lady said, maneuvering me out of her husband’s hearing. “Take the dog. Much better company.”

“Well,” I said delicately, “I was thinking of the fringe benefits.”

“Take the dog,” she said.

Swell! Rat’s Pajamas! Beaver Dam!

Dorothy Wilhelm is a professional speaker, humorist and columnist. See her TV show at www.itsnevertoolate.com. She can be reached by e-mail at Dorothy@itsnevertoolate.com.