Donald Rumsfeld showed up at our military base last week to shill books, schmooze fans and shake local peaceniks into a tizzy.
The former U.S. defense secretary blew into Joint Base Lewis-McChord to push copies of his recent memoir, “Known and Unknown” – a title that harks back to Zen-master comments Rummy made to newsies in 2002 about those missing WMDs in Iraq.
His words revealed his true calling as an existential beat poet.
“There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”
Give that man a black turtleneck and a set of bongos.
There are also unknown anti-war activists who crash book signings, surprise you with irritating tactics and must be removed from the room because they’re a clear-and-present danger to your ego.
The two smiley people from a Lakewood-based anti-war group seemed like pleasant-enough defsec groupies at first. When they said they were with Coffee Strong, maybe Rumsfeld thought it was just another Northwesty Starbucks copycat company.
But when the two (including a recent war widow) started calling him a liar, The Donald must’ve been stupefied. How else to explain the unfinished message he left on the title page of the book they asked him to sign.
“With my” he wrote – followed by a large, blank space.
And on the next line, his signature. That’s it.
We can only imagine how he might have completed his train of thought:
• “With my deepest and most sincere shock and awe.”
• “With my head held high and my neocon foot in your hippie rear end.”
• “With my firm belief that the real bin Laden will be caught in the remote hills of Afghanistan, Pakistan or Eatonville.”
• “With myopia.”
Poor Hans Zeiger. It’s not enough that lots of wiseguys (OK, us) tease the freshman legislator for looking barely old enough for the sophomore end-of-course algebra test. But at least we can correctly spell and pronounce the Puyallup Republican’s name.
Seattle political reporter Robert Mak interviewed Zeiger for KING-TV’s “Up Front” program last weekend and repeatedly called him “Ziegler.” (The name also was misspelled on the TV screen.)
Mak’s not alone. Speaker of the House Pro Tem Jim Moeller (a Dem, of course) pronounced it “ZEE-ger” when he would call on the youngster during Zeiger’s first session in Olympia this yar.
Finally, fellow Republican Rep. Brad Klippert could take it no longer.
“Mr. Speaker, it is pronounced ‘ZI-ger,’ as in ‘TI-ger,’” Klippert said, his hands curled like tiger claws for emphasis.
A big cat looking out for his defenseless cub.
No one says no to Babe Lehrer, the clothing-store queen and civic matriarch who’s bringing back our downtown mojo with a new Goddess of Commerce statue at Sixth and St. Helens avenues.
For Wednesday’s unveiling, she was a virtual Wave of Babe, commandeering a ladder truck and an assistant fire chief to pull the tarp from the salmon-wearing deity.
That was nothing compared to extricating Tacoma Public Schools spokesguy Dan Voelpel from his office with a possible teachers strike just hours away. Voelpel had inspired the campaign for a new Goddess back when he was a biz columnist for this fishwrap. He tried to beg off the speechifying. He pleaded hardship, knowing he’d be spotted by the Schnoz’s secret agents on a night when he should be tending to real news.
But no one says no to Babe.
Voelpel mingled briefly, spoke even more briefly and dashed back to his pod in the school mothership. Like one of those big-shot guests on Leno who leaves the couch as soon as his interview is over.
We love ya, Dan, but don’t you know spokesmen are supposed to lay low? Who do you think you are, Sheriff’s Department flack Ed Troyer?
Thank Goddess: While walking down Pacific Avenue Thursday in full green-and-gold regalia, local character Kris Brannon (aka The “Save our Sonics” Guy) was heard musing about how the new statue was already conferring commercial blessings.
She’s up one day, and poof! We get a Walmart!
Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com.
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