It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s (fill-in-the-blank Tacoma superhero)!
THE NOSE
Anyone who reads comic books knows that the Pacific Northwest has never been a haven for fictional superheroes. We don’t have the glamour of Gotham, and our damp climate can take the starch right out of a cape.
So it was quite a thrill this week to learn about a real-life superhero prowling the streets of Seattle.
Sure, this crusader is misunderstood, maybe even flawed. His costume looks like it was bought at a Capitol Hill bondage shop. The name “Phoenix Jones” suggests a part-time resident who winters down south. And he’s accused of turning pepper spray on innocent citizens last weekend, which calls to mind the Man of Steel’s descent into evil in “Superman III.”
But we like what he stands for. Needletown needs a champion to defend the principles of truth, justice and a $5 latte on every street corner.
Apparently, so does Tacoma.
Representatives of the Real-Life Superhero movement have made a few trips down the freeway to T-Town in recent months. A Facebook post from April describes how some of Phoenix Jones’ comrades stumbled around in the dark and handed out supplies to homeless people here.
Among the heroes on that mission: Black Knight, Skyman, Bridges, Kitty-Kat, Knight Owl and the White Baron.
Well meaning, yes, but dabblers all.
What Tacoma needs is a full-time, homegrown superhero. Not a pretender, like Sound Transit mascot Zap Gridlock. Not a civilian with a costume fetish, like the Roman Meal centurion or the “Save our Sonics” guy.
Tacoma’s hero should be customized to the city’s special needs. His superpower would be an exaggerated sense of smell.
Faster than a speeding moratorium! More powerful than a LINK light rail car! Able to leap empty condo buildings in a single bound!
Taking down archvillains (Walmart, Clear Channel) and all manner of other wrongdoers. Though if Proposition 1 passes next month, busting pot heads and dope dealers will be his lowest priority.
Just one request for our hero-in-waiting: Leave the pepper spray at home.
Prototypes for Tacoma superheroes. (Send us your own ideas, will ya?):
- Defiance: Serves as guardian of Five-Mile Drive, protecting the park-loving public from speeders, arsonists and raccoons.
- The Lone Wrangler: Dressed in chaps and spurs, he rides the ranges of the Central Area Neighborhood, rassling up runaway shopping carts. Beneath his mask he looks suspiciously like … City Councilman Ryan Mello!
- The LeMay-zing Spider Man: By day, he’s a security guard at America’s Car Museum. By night, he keeps watch over the Dome District while cruising around in a 1967 Fiat.
- Amocat Woman: Blessed with the superpower of reversal, she travels through Tacoma history undoing embarrassing events, such as: the 1885 expulsion of the Chinese, the dismantling of downtown to build parking garages, and the hiring of former Tacoma School Superintendent Charlie Milligan.
Looks like the foxes lost: As you cross the bridge to the once idyllic community of Fox Island, the reader board this week says: “HIGH DENSITY COYOTE WARNING!”
Might be time for a new place name, Foxies.
On the bright side, there have been no reports of jackals or wild dingos.
Here comes Ms. Supercalifragilistic: Gig Harborites are stoked for Saturday’s film-festival appearance of Hollywood legend Julie Andrews.
We just hope she shows up. After all, she’s a flibbertigibett! A will-o’-the-wisp! A clown!
Sing it with us, nuns!: “
How do you hold a moonbeam in your haaaaaaand!”
Introducing, a new drinking game: Ads for and against Proposition 1183 are so pervasive, it’s a wonder the TV stations can wedge in commercials for Cialis and that perfect meatloaf pan.
We hard-living newsies have a solution for this flood of political agitprop: the 1183 drinking game.
The rules are simple. Whenever you see a “yes” commercial, pour a glass of your favorite rot gut (purchased at a state-operated liquor store) and take a swig. When a “no” ad airs, eat something greasy or swallow an Antabuse pill.
Based on your level of sobriety at the end of the night, you can tell who bought more ads.
Or you’ll just be really sick.
Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com.
