Just in time for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa 2011, we present our fractured holiday carols.
“Ways and Means is Meeting Right Now”
(sung to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)
They’re looking at lists,
We tremble in fear
To see all the cuts
They’re making this year
Ways and Means is meeting right now.
You’d better not cry
Or quiver and shake
They’ll force you to list,
Which cuts you would make
Ways and Means is meeting right now.
They’ve looked at all the caseloads
They have Arun’s best guess
But don’t ask them to hurry up ’cause they’re feeling lots of stress.
If you don’t like their cuts
Or the way they have spent
Just vote ‘yes’ to raise
The tax half-a-cent
Ways and Means is meeting right now.
“Plastic Bags”
(sung to the tune of “Silver Bells”)
Plastic bags, plastic bags
It’s Christmas time in Seattle
Safeway here
Bartells there
Soon it will be Christmas Day.
City gutters, city sidewalks
Filled with white plastic bags
In the air flies a remnant of Walgreens.
They could ban them, they did ban them
But their voters said no
So on every street corner we see:
Plastic bags, plastic bags
It’s Christmas time in Seattle.
There goes Lowe’s
Home Depot
Soon it will be Christmas Day.
See the council, hearing stories
Twenty bags in a whale.
They could charge us 5 cents for our paper.
Plastics council
Retail council
It’s the lobbyists’ big day.
And among all the wingtips you see:
Plastic bags, plastic bags
It’s Christmas time in Seattle
Ban the bags, save the whales
Soon it will be Christmas Day.
“Fed Ex Don’t Be Late”
(sung to the tune of “Christmas Don’t Be Late,” aka “The Chipmunk Song”)
Christmas, Christmas time is here
Time for Christmas shopping’s near
Why pay tax? Why use a store?
Send the jobs to Bangalore.
Click. A plane that loops the loop
Click. You bought a hula-hoop
They will gladly pay the freight
Please Fed Ex don’t be late.
Amazon is growing fast
With the cash that it’s amassed
Pay low taxes to the state
Jeff Bezos don’t be late
He will gladly pay the freight
Please Fed Ex don’t be late.
“Let It Close, Let It Close, Let It Close”
(sung to the tune of “Let It Snow”)
The news from D.C. is frightful
The atmosphere there is spiteful
The voices in the back rows, shout!
Let it close, let it close, let it close.
Payroll taxes ascending
Jobless checks are ending
The government’s short of dough
Let it close, let it close, let it close.
When they finally leave D.C.
With little to show for a prize
They can say as they sip their tea
“At least we did not compromise.”
The congressional staff looks bleary
Standard & Poor’s? Still leery
Approval rates hit new lows
Let it close, let it close, let it close.
“What Are You Doing New Year’s Day”
(sung to the Washington State Redistricting Commission to the tune of “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve”)
Maybe it’s still too early in the game
You could have maps done soon, but just the same
What are you doing New Year’s,
New Year’s Day.
Wonder which district I’ll end up inside
Wonder which party next year will preside
I guess we’ll find out New Year’s,
New Year’s Day.
Maybe it’s crazy to suggest
No use of party safety tests
Out of the thousand iterations
You conceive.
The party chairmen, there’s Kirby and there’s Dwight
Waiting around at 12 o’clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year,
On New Year’s Day.
You have the census numbers in your hands
Now we’re awaiting three votes for a plan
Guess you’ll be working New Year’s,
New Year’s Day.
Peter Callaghan: 253-597-8657 peter.callaghan@thenewstribune.com blog:thenewstribune.com/politics Twitter: @CallaghanPeter
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