Children learn by observing

One author has pointed out that the most important ingredient in a child’s maturity is the casual conversation that goes on in the home.

Take a few minutes to consider that remark, to absorb its reality.

Children learn by observing; they learn not so much from what adults say; they copy what we do. They learn how to behave around adults, and as adults, by perceiving adult behavior.

For example, some adults say, “Don’t smoke!” and then take a puff from their cigarettes.

Some adults say, “Don’t get hooked on drugs!” and then they pop a pill for every headache.

Some adults say, “Don’t be scared!” and then they cover their fear with anger.

Some adults say, “Don’t be stupid!” and then they discount their child, who brings home four As and one B.

Some adults say, “Don’t avoid closeness!” and then they don’t get close to their own mates, either verbally or physically.

We know that our children learn how to behave by observing us. And the most difficult area to help people change in counseling — and in the church, and in business, and even in our recreation — focuses on handling anger creatively.

As children, we may learn that only father and mother (interpreted to mean “adults only”) are permitted to be angry.

When we, as children, got angry, we were sent to our room and told to come out only when we pasted on a smile. As children, then, we decided to handle our anger by withdrawing and pouting.

We said to ourselves, “Obviously it’s not safe for me to get visibly angry and upset at my parents; therefore, I will wait until I become an adult, a parent, so then I can get angry with my mate or children.”

Yes, indeed: “The sins of the fathers and mothers are visited on the children, generation after generation.”

As children, we received inadequate, often negative, modeling toward anger, as did our parents. That is, parents get rebellious and throw tantrums; children get scared and withdraw.

As adults, we probably choose to handle our anger as did one of our parents and pick a mate to complement us. That means if we choose to show our anger by criticizing and throwing fits, we probably picked a mate who withdraws and flies into a calm.

In the light of such behavior, children learn how to act. They learn which parent has the most power and potency, and they use that pattern with their own mate and children.

Are we parents willing to give up such non-productive behavior, unhealthy patterns? Are we willing to allow our mate and children to know when we are frightened, sad, confused, and to do so in straight, rather than manipulative, seductive ways?

Children — our children — need to see parents who care about each other, who show their concern, who express their love, verbally and openly, visually and silently.

We parents can model effective, wholesome behavior if we choose to do so.

Children need to have parents who accept, affirm, and appreciate them — so that those same parents will accept, affirm, and appreciate the other members of the family, not so much for what they do or do not do, but rather for who they are: Beings created in the image and likeness of God.

Religion columnist Wayne Keller is a regular contributor for The Herald.