Are you fed up with hard, honest work? Does responsibility leave you blasé? Interested in combining your cravings of instant gratification and increased stress? Then procrastination might be the thing for you!
I’ve studied the art of procrastination for many years, having reached my peak sometime last year. As I now slip further and further into common sense and my laziness declines, I’ve decided to pass off my knowledge to future generations of sloths so that this cherished tradition burdens us for years to come.
After much trial and error, I’ve found a surefire strategy to put off any assignment and to keep that irritating angel on your shoulder nice and quiet. Here are some handy tips to keep all homework, taxes and unmowed lawns undone. That is, until they return with a vengeance.
1. The first and most basic step is to play the waiting game. If your report is due in a week, or the nuclear device is set to blow in 30 seconds, it’s vital that you don’t do anything for at least half that time.
Now, this may sound easy, but there is nothing further from the truth. You will be pestered with reminders from family and friends, and even your own conscience. Ignore this helpful prompting. It is a trap. When they speak, nod as if you hear and agree with them, while you think about the Mariners’ playoff prospects or the last episode of “Modern Family.” If you use a hearing aid, this is the time to turn it off.
Your conscience is a harder nut to crack. There is no way to muffle the soul. I find that TV is the best way to shut out all thoughts. Let it wash away these qualms as you waste more valuable time on “Seinfeld” reruns.
2. Avoid all objects that could trigger a relapse. If you drive every day in a car that needs to be washed, it’s better that you walk. You commute to Seattle? Doesn’t matter. Whatever you do, don’t give in. Keep all work out of sight, and you’ll find that it stays out of mind, too.
3. The type of procrastination varies with each task. If it’s of the household-chore type, it can be put off indefinitely until you take responsibility and/or sell the house. If it’s an assignment, the stalling eventually must end.
This is a day dreaded by all seasoned procrastinators: the day before the due date. Many philosophers have said that this day is the closest living humans can get to the deepest circle of hell.
Certain supplies are needed to help survive this nightmare. A computer without a connection to Hulu or Facebook. Earplugs, to block out family and friends saying “I told you so.” Tissues, for the many emotional breakdowns.
Some sort of energizer is a must. The stimulants vary by region. The urban procrastinator is partial to Red Bull, while those in drier areas use cold water. This is the Northwest, so just stick with what you know and drink Starbucks.
There will be a long night ahead for you, but don’t be dismayed. This gets easier with repetition. Power through the wee hours of the morning, gulp down more Pike Place brew and turn in this slap-dashed masterpiece. Sit back, and don’t get your hopes up. You’ll get nothing higher than a B minus.
4. Repeat.
Joe Joyce of Tacoma, one of six reader columnists whose work appears in this space, is a junior at Bellarmine Preparatory. Email him at joeA.joyce@hotmail.com.
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