Just when it seemed like our city had lost its grit, what with the fancy new viaduct and yuppie car museum and brewpubs and all, along comes a scruffy pack of fraidy cats from SoCal to give our street cred a lift.
Actually, they came sometime last year – and left with tails between their legs, pledging never to return. Kind of like Seattleites, except with a longer drive home.
Because we don’t follow the Orange County indie-music scene, we missed a December interview in which this four-member band gave Tacoma a kick in the crotch after making a tour stop here.
Perhaps we didn’t notice because we’re so tough. Dangerous. Scary, too. Or so they say.
You’d think a band from the OC known for rowdy shows and songs such as “Cocaine Werewolf” and “Blood on My Moccasins” could handle a night in the 253.
They play surf-rock, for Pete’s sake! Haven’t they heard of Tacoma’s own Ventures and Sonics? This should be their Graceland!
But here’s the horror story they gave a reporter for OC Weekly. (We’re not using their names to protect them from themselves):
Band member No. 1: I never want to go near Tacoma, Washington, again.
Member No. 2: I don’t think people who live there want to go to Tacoma.
No. 3: Tacoma is scary. I lived near LA my whole life, and I never thought I was going to get stabbed, and then I went to Tacoma, Washington.
No. 1: The nickname we heard from a local gas station was “Tacomp-ton.”
No. 3: We were in an area of Tacoma we were not supposed to be in.
Ah, yes, now it makes sense. They stumbled into Fircrest.
The name of the band? The Lovely Bad Things.
Delightfully ironic, but we prefer some more literal alternatives:
• The Four Big Wusses.
• Earth, Whine and Fire.
• The Bitch Boys.
• The Boo Who.
Memo to the wusses: In the last year, bubblegum singers Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez did concerts here, and we didn’t hear them crying to their mommies afterward.
He meant well, no doubt: Tom Pierson, chief executive of the Tacoma-Pierce County Chamber, got trapped in one of those “I can’t believe I just said that, may I please start over?” moments at a Tacoma City Council meeting Tuesday.
As he spoke against plans to start imposing a business tax on nonprofit hospitals, Pierson gushed about the Franciscan and MultiCare health systems.
“Other communities would die – not literally, hopefully – to have what we have in Tacoma,” he said, wincing as he went.
Then he admitted himself to one of the city’s first-class ERs and asked doctors to extract his foot from his mouth.
Pity the people of the peninsula: Nowadays it’s a race to see which of the commuting essentials will reach $4 first: a gallon of gas, a Good to Gouge! bridge crossing or a grande-size vanilla latte.
Adults-only legislation: This one will surely go down as the goofiest idea in Olympia this year.
A bill to ban the manufacture and sale of children’s toys made with toxic chemicals was briefly stuck with a proposed amendment by Rep. David Taylor of the Yakima Valley.
Let’s just say he tried to expand the definition of toys to include ... uhhhh ... certain grown-up playthings available at South Tacoma establishments such as Castle Megastore and Hustler Hollywood.
It went nowhere. The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Sharon Nelson of Vashon Island, told the Publicola website that “frankly, the language was so graphic that female legislative staffers were having trouble with it.”
They’re not alone. We read Taylor’s amendment – purely for journalistic research, mind you – and our Schnoz turned a brighter shade of pink. Then we said 10 Hail Marys, and we’re not even Catholic.
Felt like we were 14 again, hiding in the back of Elmo’s Books with fake ID and stick-on moustache.
Show us the Monet: Another bill that caught our notice this week is a plan by Sen. Karen Keiser of Kent. She wants to help plug the budget hole by selling off pieces of the state’s art collection.
Fine by us. Just don’t touch the official state comic book and Beanie Babies collections.
Got news for The Nose?Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune