Ah, those warm, fuzzy childhood memories you have of Ivan the Gorilla, gazing longingly at you through the glass at the B&I shopping center in Lakewood.
Bet you’d never guess what was really on Ivan’s mind in the 27 years he spent in his circus-themed slammer before getting paroled to Zoo Atlanta in 1994.
For one thing, he thought you flapped your yapper too much.
“Humans waste words. They toss them like banana peels and leave them to rot,” mused the knuckle-dragging philosopher-poet.
“They chatter like chimps,” he continued, “crowding the world with their noise, even when they have nothing to say.”
Insulted? Wait til you hear what he was thinking while he watched you shop at the B&I.
“All day, I watch humans scurry from store to store ... They hunt frantically, stalking, pushing, grumbling ... But they are lousy hunters.”
Makes you wonder who was truly on display all those years, and on which side of the glass most of the brain wattage was being engaged.
The Ape Whisperer: The way some folks talk, the big fella’s captivity was the worst injustice in Lakewood history. Except maybe for the hanging of Chief Leschi in 1858. And the installation of traffic cameras in 2001.
Lest you think the world-famous silverback gorilla has poured out his memories on Facebook, or sold his story to a tell-all celebrity biographer, that’s not the case.
His deep simian thoughts come from the imagination of Katherine Applegate, author of “The One and Only Ivan.” She got a major publishing house (Harper) to release her book this year based loosely (very loosely) on the story of the king of the South Tacoma Way concrete jungle.
Like Ivan, the namesake primate of her tale is sentenced to a drab life in a shopping center menagerie with little but a TV and a tire swing to occupy him. Like Ivan, he’s an artist whose works are in demand. And like Ivan, his fate is determined when the mall goes broke and animal-rights activists rally.
Friendships are formed, poop is flung and (spoiler alert!) he lives happily ever after with his own kind.
But some parts of Ivan’s true story are left out – for instance, his reputation as one of America’s most prolific gorilla sperm donors.
Did we mention this is a children’s book?
Nearly choked on a Tagalong: That was our reaction the other day when one of our spies returned from the 100th-anniversary Girl Scouts awards luncheon at Hotel Murano and reported seeing a most surprising guest.
State Rep. Hans “Sounds like ‘TI-ger’” Zeiger was there to show his support for an organization he once decried as a “pro-abortion, feminist training corps.”
The Puyallup Republican has long since disavowed his youthful ramblings on conservative websites.
Now he’s gone over to the other side.
“Visitors to my legislative office have been known to grab a Samoa or two on their way in,” he told The Nose, “and I keep a box of Thin Mints in my desk on the House floor.”
Can’t wait for his reaction when the Girl Scouts unveil their new concept cookie: Ultraradical Gingerbread Women.
Seattle has too many letters: The top crossword in Thursday’s fishwrap had a gimme putt for local puzzlers.
4 Down - Puget Sound Port.
By process of elimination, we know it starts with a ‘T’ and ends with an “A.” The rest is guesswork.
Let’s see, could it be ... Tahuya?
Gesundheit.
Did he, or didn’t he? A couple weeks ago, we told you the organizer of Tacoma’s “Walk in Her Shoes” fundraiser had bought a pair of Size 17 pink pumps for Pierce County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist.
Suspense mounted to see if he would strap ’em on and walk the talk after years on the sidelines egging on his deputy prosecutors.
He did not.
“I think the 4-inch heels were a bit high for him!” said Tasha Church, executive director of the Sexual Assault Center of Pierce County. “Maybe next year I will find shorter heels.”
Until then, all we can say is the prosecutor’s personal views on cross-dressing appear to be evolving.
Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune
JOIN THE DISCUSSION | Register here
We welcome comments. Please keep them civil, short and to the point. ALL CAPS, spam, obscene, profane, abusive and off topic comments will be deleted. Repeat offenders will be blocked. Thanks for taking part — and abiding by these simple rules. A thorough explanation of rules of conduct can be found in our Terms of Service. If you have any questions, including why your comment may not be showing immediately after you submit it, be sure to visit the commenting FAQ.