In many midsized U.S. cities, the dispatcher’s words over the police scanner last Sunday would’ve caused sirens to roar and SWAT teams to roll.
“Report from Tacoma Mall of white male subject in a mask holding a bloody ax.”
Not in Tacoma, where cops keep their cool and scenes like this apparently aren’t all that shocking. After two minutes, a patrol officer’s voice came over the radio, nonchalantly:
“Those are zombies from the zombie car wash going on at the mall.”
Snores Truly has never been to a zombie car wash, though it’s now on our bucket list. What little we know of the living dead is derived from the original George A. Romero movie and from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” music video.
But it’s a fact of modern American culture that nearly every special occasion improves with zombies in the mix.
Office Christmas parties. Bridal showers. Bar mitzvahs. The opening day cattle drive at the Puyallup Fair.
If these and other festivities don’t include stumbling, reanimated corpses hungering for human flesh, well, they certainly should.
It would give a whole new meaning to the Bite of Tacoma.
Guard your brains, the zombie apocalypse is near! Our appreciation of all things zombie increased tenfold this week while learning about the 2012 Tacoma Zombpocalypse at the Best Western Tacoma Dome Hotel.
The website describes it as a PG-13 rated zombie “festerval” and preparedness expo. There will be films, costumes, defense classes, children’s zombie walk, and adult zombie walk and LINK ride.
It’s set for Sept. 29, a little over a year after the last time T-Town streets teemed with groups of people staggering around in a single-minded trance, driven by an implacable force outside themselves.
The teacher strike.
Zombies seem to thrive here: Perhaps from decades of exposure to Asarco contamination, or brain-wasting election rhetoric.
Tacoma even has a sector in the Greater Cascadia Quarantine Zone, which sounds suspiciously like the authorities have made us a dumping ground for Seattle’s zombie problem.
Typical.
And speaking of the authorities, what plans have they made for the inevitable attack by the walking undead? The county regularly stages lahar drills and earthquake drills, but we’ve heard nothing of zombie drills.
Could it be they’re working with the military on a top-secret “Area 253” zombie containment and eradication project?
Seems curious that the Pierce County Department of Emergency Management would be listed as lead sponsor on the Tacoma Zombpocalypse website – unless the county has some interest in preparing for the zombie apocalypse.
A department spokeswoman Thursday declined comment.
Mark them down as tardy: On July 5, the legal beagles of Tacoma Public Schools fulfilled the Trib’s request for a copy of the full collective bargaining agreement between the district and striking teachers.
The agreement that teachers voted to approve on Sept. 22.
Two hundred and eighty seven days earlier.
And you thought zombies moved slowly.
Smells like Tex Mex: City Hall has taken on a decidedly different flavor since the new top hombre arrived earlier this year.
T.C. Broadnax’s assistant hails from San Antonio, while the new city spokeswoman also was wooed away from the Alamo City.
What changes can Tacoma employees expect from the new regime? The Nose was leaked a draft memo from the desk of the city manager:
- Every Friday is now 10-Gallon Hat Day.
- The city’s secret Bimbo’s Italian sauce recipes are hereby replaced by Rosario’s red chile sauce recipes.
- All city staff are strongly encouraged to start using initials in the manner of famous Texans such as T. Boone Pickens, H. Ross Perot, ZZ Top and T.C. Broadnax.
- Underperforming aquarium animals at Point Defiance will be replaced by critters from SeaWorld San Antonio.
WWDBD?: The “unwelcome” office behavior of Puyallup Mayor Rick Hansen has raised questions in Meekerville. And in Schnozzville.
Should he resign? How much one-on-one counseling does a person get for $1,700? Did he steal his dialogue (“What would you say if I told you I was a little bit afraid of you?”) from a bad soap opera?
For us, issues of fitness for office always come back to the one true mayor of Puyallup, and to this simple question:
What would Danny Bonaduce Do?
Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com.
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