Between the nail-biting suspense of the primary election and the excitement of the summer Olympics, we completely missed a drop-in visit by a VIP in Tacoma early this month.
No, not President Obama. He and his Cabinet continue to think they’ll get cooties here. (More on that later.)
The visitor was Nadya Suleman, better known to America as “Octomom.” She chose T-Town as a backdrop for her girl-next-door story of redemption and self-determination.
Chapter 1: Divorced, unemployed Octomom overbreeds using in-vitro fertilization, expands her household to 14 kids.
Chapter 2: Octomom tries to exploit fleeting tabloid fame to feed family and pay nannies.
Chapter 3: Facing foreclosure, Octomom stars in porn video called “Home Alone” (really? with 14 kids?) and does a few promotional events, hoping Tacoma will be her City of Destiny.
It’s a delightful, pull-yourself-up-from-your-stiletto-heel-bootstraps story that Disney can’t wait to get ahold of.
Our city should feel honored to be part of it. After all, an Octomom porn star appearance is, like, eight times more glamorous than a regular porn star appearance.
Porntown USA: Octomom did just one other DVD signing event, at the Castle megastore in Phoenix, Ariz. Which begs the question: Why Tacoma?
Apparently, we’re the mecca of the skin-and-sin industry.
“Tacoma was chosen because when we’ve done signings in the past with different adult stars there, Tacoma has always gotten a great crowd – always,” Cydney Wines, Castle’s brand marketing specialist, told The Seattle Weekly. “They support the stars and the industry.”
So we’ve got that going for us – never mind the death of the railroading, vegetable packing and international investment consulting industries here.
We have historic churches that can’t stay open (First Congregational) and strip clubs that can’t stay closed (Fox’s).
Maybe University Place isn’t the only city ripe for a name change.
Today, Tacoma – tomorrow, Gomorrah.
Or else, Marilyn Chambers Bay.
The SecDef stiffs us: Defense Secretary Leon Panetta had a chance to buck up the troops at Joint Base Lewis-McChord this week, but he didn’t make the drive after saluting sailors in Bremerton.
Local GIs shouldn’t take it personally. With military budget cuts looming, he probably didn’t want to pay the bridge toll.
Lavatory laboratory: Time was, Bill Gates would pay the world’s brightest minds and biggest nerds to design better software. Now he’s paying them to design a better toilet.
The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation aspires to be the Roto Rooter of the Third World. (“And away go troubles, down the drain!”)
Revolutionary toilet prototypes were on display at a recent demo event. Must’ve been Seattle’s largest coordinated flush fest since halftime at a Seahawks game.
Kudos to Gates for using his influence to address poor sanitation in undeveloped countries. We want to believe the Microsofty megabazillionare does stuff like this for purely humanitarian reasons.
But wouldn’t it be something if his new johns only run on Windows?
Phooey on Chambers Bay: America has a Pittsburgh, a Vicksburg and a St. Petersburg – tourist destinations, all.
So if University Place is determined to change its name, Le Schnoz has a logical suggestion.
Ladenburg.
That’s our boy!: Call it a survival mechanism, but all those years on the TNT crime team have given staff writer Adam Lynn a wickedly dark sense of humor. Consider his winning entry in a “100 Words or Fewer” writing contest. (Literature for the Twitter generation?)
We’re proud of our criminal courts reporter for beating the international competition. What’s more impressive is that he left five words on the table.
Lynn’s 95-word story is a work of fiction, though if it were to happen anywhere, we’d bet on Tacoma.
POTSHOTS
Dad used to say, “Son, a woman’s never killed a man while he was doing dishes.”
He always washed the dinner dishes, even on Thanksgiving. Mom bragged on him. Problem was he did them at his girlfriend’s house, too.
Mom tracked him there one night and shot him through the kitchen window. Dad died with a dishtowel on his shoulder, a sudsy stockpot in his hands, and an extra hole in his head.
That was thirty years ago, but his lesson stuck. I wash dishes at home, but I take my girlfriend out to eat.
Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com.
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