In case you missed it, here’s the convention speech I presented several weeks ago to cheering masses (in my head).
Delegates, candidates and honored guests: Thank you for inviting me to the platform tonight.
I speak for working-class America. For too long, this great nation has kept kickbacks and tax breaks away from the common man.
Our candidate offers something unique: a plan to hand families equal access to loopholes. That’s right: “creative” accounting practices, open to all citizens.
Instead of hacking off the tentacles of our financial octopus, we believe – indeed we proclaim – it’s time to make calamari for all Americans!
(Rabid applause, especially from the foodie contingent.)
First, a new “Learn & Earn” subsidy will cover memberships to zoos, museums and cultural centers equal to spending on the Volumetric Ethanol Credit. Who can deny that America’s children are as valuable – and volatile – as grain fuel?
(Cheers from delegates who went to band camp or enjoy “Mamma Mia” sing-alongs.)
Second, we realize you’ve been denied corporate depreciation credits. So in 2013, we’ll craft bipartisan legislation to offer families a new “If the Shoe Fits, Deduct It” exemption.
We’re making room for you at the same golden trough sloppy with bazillionaire yacht credits. Whether you’re raising a young Tiger, Venus, Peyton or Gabby – middle-class families win big. Claim receiver gloves and leotards. Expense account elbow pads. Write off those $60 sweatshirts with cute nicknames emblazoned on the back!
Parent meetings on the first practice day will no longer signal the tanking of your finances. A closet of cast-off cleats is the new 401(k)!
(Chants of USA! USA! USA!)
Finally, Americans have seen larger pieces of their apple pie going toward apple pie. Why should CEOs and retired senators alone wear the Gucci overalls of gentlemen farmers? Our candidate throws open the barn doors! Every American will qualify to receive agricultural subsidies.
(Urban chicken farmers start dancing the macarena in the aisles.)
First, we’ll send relief checks for stunted tomato plants, soggy lettuce and wormy winesaps. Tender annuals frost-burned in June and tropical blooms molding in July will both be covered.
(Northwest delegates start a stadium wave.)
Beginning in 2014, all purchases of apple juice, fruit leathers, gluten-free mashed organic apple baby food sweetened with cane juice – and any other produce – will be considered agricultural supplies.
Families are spending way too much on fruit snacks, juice boxes and half-time orange slices. The average Joe, José and Cho can now join the ranks of Michael Dell, Steve Forbes, Christmas tree grower Hewlitt-Packard and humble Idaho farmer Mark F. Rockefeller.
Working men and women, welcome to the sweet world of absentee agriculture!
Our generosity in seeing families grow fruitful with fruit-related products does not stop there! Purchases of Snapple, apps on the iPhone, rappelling rope, Black Eyed Peas MP3s and suite tickets to the Apple Cup are also covered!
(Audience goes wild; orange and red confetti rains from ceiling.)
To foster innovation, we’ll launch a competition – with a $1 million prize – for the individual or team who can discover a word that rhymes with “orange.”
My fellow Americans, you are the key. We cannot let other nations win the race for government subsidies. Rise to the challenge! Demand your destiny!
Buy vacation homes in the Bahamas! Install windmills on your decks and gazebos! Open a bank account in the Caymans! If you have not yet driven a bank into insolvency – or invested hedge funds in fake offshore corporations – now is the time.
Employ your children as media consultants with six-figure salaries. Research fruit fly sleeping habits. Build bridges to nowhere, overpasses to obscurity, airports of self-aggrandizement.
The other party has nothing to offer but jobs and success, balanced budgets and regulations. With us, the next four years will not be business as usual. Let’s craft a new America, one whose future is aflame with a bright new era of earmarks!Maria Gudaitis, whose favorite party is one involving dinner and sing-alongs, is one of six reader columnists whose work appears on this page. Reach her through her blog at mariagudaitis.com, where she writes about food, poetry and local events.