Better stay alert and guard your innards Saturday when a shambling, insatiable horde of the living dead descends on the Dome District for the 2012 Tacoma Zombpocalypse.
And that’s just the warmup act. An equally infectious mob of rabid zombies will populate the same hot zone just 10 days later. Driven by a force more inexorable than an appetite for human flesh.
No, not NFL referee hysteria.
We’re talking Bieber Fever.
And as with real zombies, the Federal Emergency Management Agency advises you to take precautions, such as planning an escape route and packing supplies including flashlight and extra underwear.
We suppose it’s an honor that Justin Bieber will perform at the Tacoma Dome on Oct. 9. He turned 18 this year, old enough to decide which cities are cool enough to fill out the map of Bieber Nation. (Not you, Seattle and Spokane.)
Can puberty for Bieber be far behind?
But fellow fathers of Pierce County, heed this warning from The Nose: Protect your families! Bieber Fever is a real condition, more contagious than measles, according to two infectious disease researchers who used mathematical models to reach their conclusions last spring.
Meanwhile, a neuroscientist declared that Bieber Beliebers are incapable of taming their compulsion. His music, you see, triggers a flood of dopamine akin to an orgasm or the rush you get from eating chocolate.
Keep in mind that all these experts are Canadians, like Bieber. They have a stake in building the mythology of their biggest international export since Wayne Gretzky or the Wonderbra.
Yet their science is persuasive. On concert day, the epidemic will spread faster than you can sing “baby, baby – ohhh!”
By comparison, this year’s local whooping cough outbreak will seem like the sniffles.
A sanctuary right next door: Kudos to the LeMay-America’s Car Museum for seizing a marketing opportunity and providing a breath of Bieber-free air.
On concert night, they’re offering adults a place to hide out and ogle classic cars for $10. The museum calls it “parental daycare.” We call it a no-virus zone.
Fellas, why not make it a date night?
Fact is, the Bieber Fever victims you most need to worry about are not your daughters. They’re your wives.
When that little punk’s in the 253, even Huskies will become cougars.
But will she visit an ashram? One Husky you won’t see swooning in the front row of the Bieber show is Gov. Chris Gregoire.
She’ll be off doing what other major public figures, like The Beatles, have done for inspiration in the waning stages of their careers: Go to India.
Though she’s barely had time to unpack from her lame-duck junket to England and Ireland.
While Gregoire is away on her latest trade mission, husband Mike is scheduled to make at least one public appearance – reading to kindergartners at Tacoma’s Stafford Elementary School.
Whoa, Nelly. This might represent an improper exercise of First Mike’s powers. With the guv out of the country, we believe all classroom reading duties must fall to Mrs. Lieutenant Governor.
We’ll check the first-spouse clause of the constitution and get back to you.
Question of the week: If voters approve Initiative 502, will vendors sell deep-fried marijuana at next year’s Puyallup Fair?
Question of the week do-over: Sorry, fair honchos, we stepped over the line there. Let’s try a less insulting question:
If voters approve Initiative 502, will vendors sell deep-fried marijuana at next year’s Washington State Fair?
Buckle up and say a prayer: Or better yet, stay in your driveway.
Tacoma’s ranked among the most dangerous driving cities in America, and the least safe of all large cities in Washington, according to the 2012 Allstate Best Drivers Report.
We’re No. 156 among the country’s largest 200 cities, ranked best to worst. Drivers here are 28 percent more likely to be in an accident compared with the national average.
On the plus side, Seattle was just barely ahead at No. 154.
So we’re gaining on ’em. Let’s dedicate the next year to catching up.
Then, in true T-Town style, we’ll ride their bumper, honk repeatedly, pass them on the shoulder and flip ’em the bird.
Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com.
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