Deadbeats who vote only in presidential elections really chap our hide, like a seasonal rash on the buttocks of the body politic.
Can’t be troubled with school levies and other smaller cogs in the gears of a civil society. And when they do vote – with the clockwork regularity of the Summer Olympics – they probably mark their ballots with a red pen and put a stamp on the secrecy envelope.
Get thee behind, you dabblers of democracy!
You’re like people who go to church only on Christmas Eve, then hog the best pews and nearly set their clothes on fire during the candlelight singalong of “Silent Night.”
Sadly, Pierce County has tens of thousands of slacker voters. You know who you are.
County Auditor Julie Anderson knows about you, too. Only she uses a wildlife metaphor in her description.
You are bears – big, lumbering, slumbering, disoriented bears.
Now a message from your auditor: “Infrequent voters have been in hibernation,” Anderson writes in her 2012 voter pamphlet message.
“They only awaken from slumber every four years and will pose special challenges.”
But the ever-obliging auditor wants them to feel welcome, saying “we look forward to thousands of groggy citizens who wake up on November 6 and want to know why their Congressman isn’t on their ballot and why the church basement is locked.”
So, what might these Rip Van Winkles be thinking as they prepare to vote for the first time since ’08?
• Third time’s gonna be a charm for Dino Rossi!
• What happened to that handsome Leslie Nielsen lookalike who won assessor-treasurer last time?
• Why is a Tacoma city councilwoman pretending to be county auditor?
• Gee, my wife will be disappointed to hear elections are now all-male.
• Yippee, a second chance to try ranked-choice voting!
Curiouser and curiouser: Always fun to see what our little Nostrils will wear for Halloween. But what we’ve really been waiting for is Gov. Chris Gregoire’s costume selection for her swan song as state candy-distributor-in-chief.
After giving gubernatorial fashion commentary for the last seven Halloweens, we were hoping for a showstopper. What the children of Washington will get is ...
Alice in Wonderland.
Curious choice? Nah. It sums up this guv’s tenure in O-Town.
Female protagonist goes down a rabbit hole into a surreal world of nonsensical characters – a place of madness where “we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place.”
Shucks, it even has a rude tea party.
Now Gregoire will return to the real world. The big question left hanging until Election Day is who will replace her.
If you believe the ads, it’s either Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dum.
An even better costume: The way Gregoire’s been getting her passport stamped on junkets – sorry, “trade missions” – lately, she should’ve dusted off her Halloween get-up from 2008.
Dora the Explorer.
And Tigger was clearly on cocaine: Regardless of your stance on legalizing pot, you gotta hand it to Washington’s neo-hippie entrepreneurs. They don’t lack for creativity with their “medibles” and other merchandise.
Consider the Tacoma medical-marijuana club that got busted a week ago for selling an unlicensed product.
Cannabis Enriched Honey Beer.
Sounds like a treat Winnie the Pooh might’ve enjoyed during his experimental college years.
JZ rhymes with crazy: Have you heard the anti-Catholic, anti-semitic screed that New Age guru JZ Knight spewed in a video making the rounds on YouTube?
If you ever wondered whether a Yelm cult leader who claims to channel a 35,000-year-old warrior spirit named Ramtha could go any farther around the bend, the answer is yes.
Memo to JZ: Profane rants against entire faith groups are so ugly, no plastic surgery can cover it. Go back to channeling Ramtha; quit channeling Mel Gibson.
Goof or truth?: Thousands of Jefferson County ballots were mailed last week referring to our country as the “Untied States.”
Ha, ha. A cute typographical error, right?
Then again, we live in a country where millions of adults vote every four years – or not at all. Where political ads make viable candidates look as evil as the Jabberwocky. Where mad haters like JZ Knight hold power and influence.
Maybe we’re fit to be untied.Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune