With the 2012 election nearly over, it is finally time to present the latest edition of 26 Fearless Political Predictions (and one Fearful one). And please, no wagering.
1. Democratic candidate for governor Jay Inslee will wait until final returns are in before deciding whether to blame the powerful mainstream media for his defeat or to ridicule the powerless mainstream media after his victory.
2. Democratic party chairman Dwight Pelz will arrive at the Bellevue Hyatt and try to give Republican party chairman Kirby Wilbur a wedgie.
3. Yelm mystic JZ Knight will blame her recent spate of racist comments on the fact that she is now channeling a 100-year-old bigot named Archie Bunker.
4. Shortly after the polls close in Hawaii, cable news anchors will begin handicapping the 2016 Iowa caucuses.
5. Relying on sophisticated exit polls, the History Channel will project the state of Florida for George W. Bush.
6. In a tragic but unavoidable accident, the nation’s last undecided voter will be trampled to death by network camera crews.
7. Yelm video star JZ Knight will ask Mexicans to forgive her recent profane and derogatory comments about them but will insist that she still hates vegans.
8. Republican candidate for governor Rob McKenna will defend his trip to Disneyland by saying he was developing his immigration policy and needed to see “It’s a Small World.”
9. Someone will tweet that the election results confirm all of their religious and political beliefs.
10. Once again demonstrating the power of advertising, the GEICO gecko will be elected president and the next Washington governor will be that dancing guy from the Mattress Ranch.
11. Karen Porterfield, 8th Congressional District candidate, will break with election-night protocol by appearing at U.S. Rep. Dave Reichert’s victory party and mussing his hair.
12. Democratic candidate for governor Jay Inslee will wait until the polls close to admit that when he said the levy swap was a gimmick for funding education, he thought they were talking about swap meets.
13. Relying on sophisticated exit polls, the Weather Channel will project the state of New Jersey for Jim Cantore.
14. A winning candidate who barely gained 50 percent of the vote will term the result “a mandate.”
15. Costco will bankroll a new Tim Eyman initiative asking voters to get the state out of the pot business and let it sell Kirkland Gold.
16. Republican candidate for governor Rob McKenna will defend his trip to Disneyland by saying he was developing his transportation policy and needed to ride the Main Street Trolley.
17. The Washington Education Association will blame Superstorm Sandy on charter schools.
18. Billionaire Donald Trump will hold a news conference to announce that he has evidence proving the GEICO gecko was not born in the United States.
19. In a tragic but predictable accident, several tea party members will work themselves into such a frenzy over the pending violent takeover of the U.S. by armed IRS agents that they will spontaneously combust.
20. The next president will enjoy a honeymoon period that will last about four hours.
21. Someone will tweet that they can’t imagine what election night was like before Twitter.
22. CNN chief national correspondent John King will try to call up an especially revealing map of precincts around Cleveland on the Magic Wall but instead accidentally order everyone in Ohio a pizza.
23. Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Paul Allen and Nick Hanauer will bankroll a new Tim Eyman initiative to give billionaires two-thirds of the vote.
24. A losing party will allege voter fraud and/or voter intimidation, depending on which party loses.
25. Self-funding state Senate candidate Jack Connelly will pick up John King’s Ohio pizza tab.
26. Relying on sophisticated exit polls, the Food Network will project the state of Tennessee for Paula Deen.
And, for the Fearful one:
1. The results for president will be too close to call, and to patch things up with conservatives after the Obamacare ruling, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts will side with the court’s conservatives and order a new election, beginning immediately.
Peter Callaghan: 253-597-8657