Dust off your ancestors’ cannonballs. Call those kooky relatives who pretend to be Confederate soldiers in Civil War reenactments at Fort Steilacoom Park. You might need their help – and their bayonets.
Washington is one of several states where secession-minded folk sent pleas to the White House after this month’s election. A pair of petitions are circulating on the Interwebs, imploring the honchos in charge of such matters to “peacefully grant the State of Washington to peacefully withdraw from the United States.”
Peacefully? Sure, they all say that at first. Remember Jefferson Davis?
These rebs aim to collect some 21,000 online signatures by Dec. 11 to nudge an official response from President Barack Obama. Between the two petitions, they have about 8,500 signatures.
Here in Pierce County – named for Franklin Pierce, the feckless 14th president who did nothing to prevent the last Civil War – you’ll be proud to know several dozen of your fellow citizens have signed their names.
But the breakaway movement was started and has its greatest numbers in … wait for it … Eastern Washington!
Well, duh. There’s enough Stars and Bars emblems on pickup truck bumpers over there to make a feller forget he lives in the 21st century, and on the West Coast.
Maybe Idaho will take them: Don’t be distracted by all the Washington vs. The Other Washington hogwash, or the “when in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands …” baloney.
Seceding from the union is about as likely as The Nose winning the Powerball, or the Cougs winning the Apple Cup … er, twice in a row.
The bossman of the Spokane County Republican Party let it slip recently where the real dividing line lies:
“I think Eastern Washington should secede from Western Washington,” Matthew Pederson told the Pacific Northwest Inlander.
He claimed to be kidding, but a split has been proposed in the Legislature more than once.
Think about it. If Eastern Washington had its way on Nov. 6, Rob McKenna would be governor-elect, Michael Baumgartner would be U.S. senator-elect and lifelong commitments could be made only between one man, one woman and one John Deere tractor.
Think the dry-siders see Jay Inslee as the great uniter? Good golly, no. Many of ’em would turn in their state plates faster than Inslee packed his U-Haul and fled Yakima County 17 years ago.
The power imbalance will never change until cows are granted suffrage rights.
Let the secession begin: What say we settle this thing peacefully while we still can. Nobody wants to see Ellensburg turn into the next Vicksburg.
They can have everything east of Snoqualmie Pass (not including the ski areas).
And we in Tacoma shall finally return to our rightful place as Washington’s second-largest city.
Wisdom from the Palouse: State Sen. Mark Schoesler of Ritzville says electing a Republican governor at least once every three decades will ensure Eastern Washington doesn’t form its own state.
So much for that idea, dude.
Schoesler dreamed his impossible dream on a Top 10 list he sent Le Schnoz before the election, titled “Top Ten Reasons More Eastern Washington Influence Needed in State Government.”
We should listen to him because his peers just chose him as leader of the Senate Republican caucus. Here are a few more of his pearls:
• Someone in Olympia will actually know where wheat comes from.
• Understand that Washtucna isn’t about “washing your tucna.”
• If we turn off our dams, nuclear power and wind plants, Seattle will have to burn hemp for fuel.
• State holiday to celebrate Spokane still the second-largest city ahead of Tacoma.
OK, it was funny until that one.
Do you see what we see? Remember a few years ago when Lakewood pooh-bahs got all hot and bothered by the suggestive design of some sculptures outside their new transit center?
Well, they might want to avoid visiting the Foss Waterway Seaport for a while. Community artists there have unveiled what is ostensibly a large illuminated jellyfish.
We could lower ourselves into the briny depths of sophomoric humor at this point. But we’ll leave that to you, dear reader. Send your best photo captions to the address below.Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune