Washington’s holiday letter to its siblings, the other 49 states.
“Dear one and all (even you, Texas, at least until you leave the family):
“Sorry about the form letter, but everyone is so busy these days, what with work, family and Facebook. Who has time for personal letters anymore? Right?
“Anyway, what a year it has been. We started with yet another Snowmageddon that I’m sure would have been barely a bother to you, North Dakota. But we had fun sliding around and watching Jim Forman on TV. It was about then that my Supreme Court told my governor and my Legislature they’d been violating the constitution for about, oh three-and-half-decades.
“In a rare move, the court said that if they didn’t start fully funding schools, the justices would get really, really mad in, oh, about six or seven years.
“So stay turned for that. You all know what interfamily feuds are like, right you old Unionists and Confederates? Hey, let it go.
“Staying on topic, unlike you battleground states (Ohio? Don’t you ever get enough?), we were yet again passed over by the presidential campaign, which certainly made ‘Glee’ easier to watch. The candidates did enjoy my Microsoft money though. Probably spent it all with you, Flo.
“Time to get out the brag book. My Mariners looked shipwrecked again this year, but perhaps you noticed that my Felix Hernandez threw a perfect game. I opened a pretty cool car museum in Tacoma and my Seahawks beat Green Bay in the most-talked-about football game of the year. Look for us in the Super Bowl (if only we can get those replacement refs back).
“By the way, I’m still not talking to you, Oklahoma. Stealing the Sonics was definitely NOT OK. When we get another team, we’re gonna kick you right in the Sooner. And, to whichever of you that we steal that team from, sorry. It’s just business. I mean a game. I mean a business. I mean a game.
“Whoa, too much eggnog!
“By the way, I must say I’m still a little peeved at you private liquor states who kept telling me how cheap booze was going to be once I followed your lead and got out of the liquor business. Those ‘socialist’ comments were kind of mean. As it turns out, my monopoly made for lower prices, at least lower than the private stores. And now, they’re blaming ME? What a racket.
“Some of you also wanted me to follow your lead and let the National Rifle Association have its own ceremonial state license plates. I said no, but now I think it might not be such a bad idea. Best way to keep an eye on them, if you know what I mean.
“And to you shrinking states (and you know who you are, Rust Belters), thanks for the extra congressional district. Hey, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
“What an election. Am I right? We weren’t a battleground state but we had plenty to talk about anyway. We are the land of liberty (could I borrow that statue, New York?). Send us your poor, your tired, your gay couples, your stoners longing to smoke free. It gives new meaning to my nickname, you know, The Evergreen State.
“And I finally joined 42 of my favorite siblings to create charter schools. Now I wish my millionaires and teachers union would talk about real issues. My test scores are getting embarrassing.
“Don’t forget to come on up and visit, you know, to get married or smoke a bowl. But make sure you fly Boeing, not Airbus.
“And just to be on the safe side, skip those Dreamliners made in South Carolina. They’re the ones with the Confederate flag decal on the tail. Hey, Palmetto State, just kidding. At least I’m still talking to you.
“And finally, Connecticut, I’d say I know how you feel, but I don’t and hope I never do. No one should. We’re all thinking about you.
“Until next year. See you all at the Fiscal Cliff!
“Love and hugs,