Hey, Lakewood, are you ready for your close-up? Pro football hall of famer and TV personality Terry Bradshaw likes you. He gushes about all you have to offer – from youth programs to military jobs, from golf courses to the international district, from freeway gridlock to a state mental hospital.
OK, he didn’t really say those last two things.
But the legendary Steelers quarterback does think you’re swell, Lakewood. Madly, truly, deeply likes you. Considers you a “beautiful and bright gem.”
How special are you in Bradshaw’s eyes? So dazzling that he describes you as being located a half hour (??) south of Seattle. Doesn’t waste his breath mentioning Tacoma.
Before you get too full of yourself, however, don’t assume Bradshaw owns a summer place on Gravelly Lake. Or knows how to pronounce Fort Steilacoom Park. Or has even passed through Lakewood.
And don’t fool yourself into thinking his redneck affections come for free.
Bradshaw is merely the narrator on “Today in America with Terry Bradshaw,” a series of TV spots that air on cable channels. The series hypes up dozens of cities from Fayetteville, Ark. to Clark Township, N.J.
What do the communities have in common? They’ve forked over tens of thousands of dollars to a Florida production company to blow sunshine up their skirts.
Lakewood anted up a $19,800 “scheduling fee,” but the city doesn’t say boo about it in the press release it recently issued under the headline: “Lakewood showcased as one of ‘America’s Hidden Gems.’ ” Nor does the five-minute Bradshaw segment acknowledge it’s a paid infomercial.
Not that Bradshaw doesn’t put his “Hee Haw” heart into it. He feigns interest with scripted lines such as: “With input from the Lakewood Redevelopment Advisory Board, the city is actively enhancing its infrastructure.”
But paying someone to discover your hidden gem-ness seems a little desperate. Kind of like paying a high-end escort to tell you how sexy you are, then let you parade her around town like your girlfriend.
Whatcha gonna do? Nothing good comes for free, you say, Lakewood?
Pshaw, we say. You could always return to the source of national exposure you enjoyed on the Fox Network from 1993 to 2005.
“COPS” would gladly take you back.
Quarterback sneak: Apparently Bradshaw is carrying on a voice-over love affair with Canada, too.
MacLeans magazine in January published “99 Stupid Things the Government Did With Your Money.” No. 26 on the list chides four small Canadian cities for paying a total of roughly $100,000 for Bradshaw to appear in short promos. “The videos found airtime mostly off hours, while the famous QB, who narrates the promos, couldn’t sound more bored.”
Sorry to break it to you, Lakewood, but you deserve to know.
Take my phone, please: Tacoma state Rep. Steve Kirby needs some new material. And maybe a new cellphone.
The Tacoma Democrat and wannabe casino-circuit comic drew a few laughs on the House floor this week before a vote on a bill that would beef up protections for consumers who buy insurance on electronic gadgets.
“Let’s be honest,” Kirby said, “who here among us hasn’t inadvertently dropped their cellphone in the toilet?”
Give the man credit for honesty. Not many of us would admit taking their phones into the little boys room, let alone having a case of the butterfingers. (“No really, dear, it fell in a mud puddle ... umm, while we were rescuing an old lady ... uhh, from a purse snatcher!!”)
Just don’t give Kirby credit for originality. He all but plagiarized himself, delivering a nearly word-for-word rehash of the cellphone splashdown shtick he gave on the House floor a year ago.
The Schnoz tried to reach Kirby for an explanation. He didn’t return our calls.
Guess it’s hard to get messages when your phone keeps falling in the urinal.
How to avoid dropped calls: And now, dear representative, we offer some free advice: Next time your phone becomes an iPotty, try drying it in a bed of rice.
Better yet, get a hands-free device.
Do the … uh? Guess they weren’t kidding about changing the name of the Puyallup Fair. The website and all advance publicity now says The Washington State Fair. (Although they threw a bone to the host city with next month’s Spring Fair in Puyallup.)
Poor Meekerville. Seems the city has an identity crisis, and could use an influential champion.
Is Terry Bradshaw available?
Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune
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