Great gosh a’mighty, we just keep bringing up the rear.
Seattle, as always, seizes the No. 1 position. Spokane, not surprisingly, checks in at No. 2.
But the humiliation doesn’t end there. Bremerton-Silverdale stumbles into the No. 3 slot, and the greater Vancouver area sneaks in at No. 4 before Tacoma – finally! – shows up at No. 5.
Surely, we can’t be talking about Washington state population rankings, can we?
Not this time – and don’t call us Shirley.
These numbers are derived from a new list of the biggest binge-drinking areas in the Northwest, courtesy of the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It measures the percentage of people who say they tipped back five or more alcoholic beverages in short order at some point over the last 30 days. (Four or more drinks for a woman.)
Our initial reaction: Pullman doesn’t crack the Top 5?
Our second reaction: Tacoma, we can do better. Similar to our slacker birth rate that keeps putting us No. 3 in population, we’re just not trying hard enough.
(If Tacomans would drink more vigorously, it might take care of that other problem, too. But please, do them both at home with your honey. Stay off the road.)
So here we are, with our paltry 14.2 percent binge rate, forced to look up to Seattle-Everett-Bellevue residents, who must be toasting their 16.9 percent rate. They’re 18th among 50 U.S. metro areas and sitting comfortably on the drinking throne for all of Cascadia.
Or more likely, falling off the stool.
A Seattle Times blogger said that amounts to about 338,000 people who’ve been on a bender in the past month.
Although if Seahawks games were excluded, we think Seattle’s numbers would drop faster than a rowdy 49ers fan in Pioneer Square.
And yet … : Tacoma seemingly has no peer when it comes to stupid drunken antics. Where else can you find, in recent months:
A guy who pitched a $750 fit at a bowling alley after being told he couldn’t sing karaoke over the PA system – a guy who was banned by Fred Meyer for 86 years after throwing beer cans and causing a scene. …
But how can we ever compete with shnockered cities like Seattle that host Drunk Puppet Nites? How can we measure up to the big boys when our City Council keeps using Alcohol Impact Areas to cork the flow of high-octane booze in all of T-Town? (Except South Tacoma, natch.)
Maybe we never will. But don’t lose hope: We’ve yet to see the list of top binge pot smoking cities.
The also-rans: At least Tacoma drank these places under the table. They round out the list of the Northwest Top 10.
No. 6 : Lewiston, Idaho, 14 percent – Have you been to Lewiston? Can you blame them?
No. 7: Olympia, 13.5 percent – Take this number with a grain of margarita salt; it’s not nearly high enough to include the legislative session.
No. 8: Yakima, 13.5 percent – Tie one on for the Palm Springs of Washington!
No. 9: Eugene-Springfield, Ore., 13 percent – Can’t pump their own gas or hold their liquor.
No. 10: Kennewick-Richland-Pasco, 11.1 percent – What else are they gonna drink? Their water is radioactive.
Let the March Madness begin: Like thousands of others, we carefully filled out the paperwork. We met the midweek deadline. Now it’s anybody’s guess who will win; office receptionists can predict as well as experts.
The NCAA tournament bracket?
Nah, the lottery for a Tacoma longshore worker job.
We like the odds of becoming one of the Final 226 and wearing the union label as an “unidentified casual.”
Because there’s nobody more unidentified than The Schnoz, and certainly nobody more casual.
Why buy a deep-fried Twinkie anywhere else?: Our proboscis has been out of joint lately about the new name at the Puy ... er, Washington State Fair.
Well, that was just the start of the name-change funny business. Fair honchos announced Thursday they’ve sold 10-year rights to their ShowPlex exhibition center to Sleep Country USA.
Huh. You’d think Mattress Ranch would be a better fit at the fair.
In other fair news: At the request of the new sponsor, the lyrics of the famous jingle have been changed to “Snooze the Puyallup.”Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune