Like most Americans, I am neither 100 percent capitalist nor 100 per cent socialist. I not only support the blatantly socialistic public schools and fire departments but I also support the transparently capitalistic espresso bars, grocery stores, commercial cat food companies and manly man hardware stores.
I am a capitalist. And I am a socialist. So are we all – admit it or not – you greed-motivated 401K beneficiaries and you money-loving Social Security recipients. (Guess what the word “social” in Social Security stands for.)
Yes, there is such a thing as a 100 percent capitalist and a 100 percent socialist person, but there aren’t more than about 40 of those left in the country. For their own sake, they should consider spending a few weeks in the State Home for the Economically Bewildered.
It is because of my belief in capitalism that I share with you, my fellow capitalistic socialists, a money-making opportunity that is there for the plucking. The idea came to me while my wife and I were entering a restaurant. I suddenly realized we were doing so at a rather embarrassing time of day – a little before 5 p.m.
I used to chuckle at how early senior citizens would go to restaurants. And now I am one of them (a senior citizen, I mean, not a restaurant).
As we went through the front door of the restaurant, I saw all our fellow elders sitting there gumming their dinners. It reminded me of how many of us there are. A restaurant chain that caters to early-eating elders could be a gold mine.
Think of it as the Chuck E. Cheese of senior citizens. Our grandkids have birthday-party restaurants where they eat early in the evening before homework and bed.
My generation also deserves a place, a chain of restaurants that get seniors fed and out the door in time for the evening news, followed by an 8 or 9 p.m. bedtime
People my age are about the only ones left who have the guts to watch the evening news with all its depressing reports. You can tell by the commercials that the networks know elders are most of the audience. They pepper the broadcast with horrifying bodily function medicines that are even more scary than the news.
I no longer laugh at the eating habits of what is suddenly my generation. I used to eat dinner at 7 or so. Today, it is at 5. The more you wrinkle, the sooner you eat.
Now that we are finally retired and free to sleep late in the morning, Mother Nature has cursed us with an urge to rise earlier than ever. Thus we consume breakfast before daylight, putting us on a bizarre eating schedule that makes us start getting hungry for dinner long before 5 p.m. That could create a new kind restaurant market among the millions of seniors.
Hence the need for a senior citizen restaurant chain. Let’s call it “The Hungry Geezer.” The doors open at 3:45 in the afternoon and close at 7 in the evening.
The dishes on the menu involve deliberately overcooked food that requires little chewing – mashed potatoes, cream of chicken soup, zucchini steamed until it is a gelatinous vegetable puddle.
The restaurant motto is “Leave your teeth at home. Our food is as soft as an elder’s belly.”
The sound system music is Lawrence Welk, Bing Crosby and early Elvis. (If he were still with us, Elvis would be 78 years old and, given his ravenous appetite, among those outside the restaurant at mid-afternoon, whimpering and waiting for the doors to open.
On the other hand, forget The Hungry Geezer. Let’s pick up the grandkids and go find a pizza joint.Bill Hall can be contacted at email@example.com or at 1012 Prospect Ave., Lewiston, ID 83501