Who are “They”?
Where do They live?
How often do They take showers?
Do They sleep in the nude?
These are just samples of the infinite questions asked by many people, like you, every day. I will attempt to answer these and more queries about our mysterious and shy friends we call “They.”
Everyone knows the expression, “You know what They say.” This is often said with a verbal wink at the end to make you really want to hear more. Actually this is spoken more like, “You know what They sayee.” The last word is actually two syllables and the speaker’s head tilts slightly.
There then follows two very different types of statements: gossip and great sayings. They are not into gossip of the type exemplified in the song “You Know What They Say” by Jeff Healy.
“They say you’re running all over town
You’re gonna put me down
I don’t believe it
But that’s what they say.”
“They say you’ve been with other guys
Just been telling me lies
But I don’t believe it
That’s what they say.”
I have to say that this gossip form of communication is really beneath the quality of which They are capable. They do produce the type of timeless sayings like:
“It takes two to tango.”
“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”
“All that glitters isn’t gold.”
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
Countless other gems, equally profound and universal in their applicability have made their way into common usage.
Have you ever wondered how They manage to come up with all those great sayings you wish you had thought of? They aren’t quoted by everyone for no reason. This discourse will delve into this vast and as yet untouched resource of information and fill some of the conspicuous void left empty by all preceding writers.
Living on nuts, berries and certain edible roots, They occupy a piece of land somewhere in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. The exact location is a jealously guarded secret. They avoid society at large by living in a commune-like setting. This separation from society is maintained to ensure the quality of output by keeping aloof from the pressure and fads present all around.
Nearly 16 hours a day is spent in a think-tank environment. During this time They propose and thoroughly screen quotations to decide what will be released as something They say. Only an average of 2.3 sayings per year survive this highly selective process.
In their spare time, They eat and sleep or relax, creating less-demanding material. In the latter vein, They have been responsible for such things as advertising jingles, blonde jokes, plots to X-rated movies (They were the ones who came up with the pizza-delivery-guy porn theme) and other less notable items.
They do not gossip. Such activity, if connected to a member, results in an immediate banishment.
If They are ever in your presence, please do not be alarmed by their eccentric behavior. Because They rarely associate with society, They are largely unfamiliar with conventional customs. They are almost completely out of touch with any contemporary fashions. They appear to dress in attire which can best be described as “neat, but offensive.” They don’t know any better. In any case They will stand out.
In conclusion, They do take showers (almost once a week) and They don’t sleep in the nude (preferring pajamas with the booties).Scott Candoo, a Tacoma attorney, is one of five reader columnists whose work appears on these pages. He and his wife, Susan, live in the North End. Email him at Scottc51@nventure.com.