Dear Little People:
Due to the alarming collapse of leadership generally, I am taking over. You have enough to do in your insignificant lives without having to worry about what is going on in the world.
For the safety and peace of mind of everyone, I will now take charge. Syria, Iran, Cuba, Snowden, Miley Cyrus and many of the other complex problems of our times require strength and clarity. So I am stepping in.
As my first official act, I am issuing the following:
EMERGENCY EXECUTIVE ORDERS
1. The Leader (that’s me in the photo with a fine cigar) will fly first class wherever he needs to go. Your leader will require his full strength and attention when he arrives at wherever he is going. Therefore, I will fly first class so that I am ready and rested for the leadership activities which will be required.
2. You cannot question the actions taken by your government under my command. Many of you will just go along, like you do already, like blissful lemmings. But there are some who irritatingly raise issues and uncomfortable questions. In order to smooth things out for the ignorant masses, these Irritational People will be sent somewhere (Internment at Area 51) to be cognitively realigned.
Should you see a family member or neighbor being picked up in the wee hours, please do not be alarmed. Just go back to your comfortable sleep.
3. I will provide rewards for those of you who step forward to report suspicious behavior. The rewards will be greater for those persons closest to you. For instance, if you report that you hear your mother grumble about taxes or a beneficial government program, then you will be recorded in my personal book of “Friends.”
4. Because this is an emergency situation, I will activate air strikes, invasions, drones and swat teams and also tie up traffic to “Fill the Boot” for additional funds whenever and wherever I choose. This is being done for your betterment. So no disgruntled comments will be permitted. Instead, you will smile.
5. To help with your attitude, I am issuing mandatory marijuana use regulations. People who are worried and prone to raise issues of discord will be required to receive a marijuana pacifier until they relax, become placid and stop thinking so much.
Thinking is contrary to your bliss. Again Irritational People (you know who you are, and so do I) will be quietly relocated.
6. I am worrying about things for you, so just relax and take it. When the issues are addressed and order is again restored to the world, then some further freedoms can be returned to you. I know that you would rather have order than freedom.
7. You are frightened of freedom and because some use freedom for their own disturbing pursuits, there is a new agency (the “Pursuit of Happiness Review Commission” or PHRC) to review requests for freedom. Like a “flight plan” there must be an application to the PHRC. You will draft your plan and present it to the commission for consideration along with a Plan Consideration Tax.
Should the PHRC decide that your plan is socially responsible, then you will again pay into a special fund and be granted a limited license to begin your pursuit. Periodic payments along the way will be required, should the government need money for such things as my flights in first class and to increase the salaries of commission members.
8. Blame for any problems will always be attributed to the past. This has been true from Presidents Obama and Bush back to the Magna Carta and other events and personages. Anyone attributing blame to me or these EMERGENCY EXECUTIVE ORDERS will be cognitively realigned (see No. 2).
9. In order for things to get back into order and run smoothly, these rules will be subject to ex post facto revision. Violations of rules that I have not yet made will be punished harshly. So if you think you might be violating something I don’t like, then stop and put an application in to the Pursuit of Happiness Review Commission.
10. Now please go back to your mundane activities and quit asking questions.
The Leader is actually Scott Candoo, a Tacoma attorney, one of five reader columnists whose work appears on these pages. He and his wife, Susan, live in the North End. Email him at Scottc51@nventure.com.