Peter Callaghan: There will always be a future in Election Day predictions

Staff WriterNovember 5, 2013 

Today is Election Day, or at least the last of a series of election days that began when ballots were mailed out. Regardless, the time has come for one final batch of fearless political predictions.

This is presented for amusement purposes only. Your chances of winning may vary.

 • Whoever wins the Seattle mayoral election will declare it a victory of ideas over politics even though there isn’t a dime’s worth of difference between the ideology of the two candidates.

 • Tacoma Mayor Marilyn Strickland, running unopposed, will declare her victory a mandate for whatever she happens to be thinking about at that particular moment.

 • Reacting to the blitz of ads paid for by the record-setting anti-Initiative 522 campaign, many voters are certain that Progressive Insurance spokeswoman Flo told them the initiative on GMO labeling is poorly written.

 • In an appalling breach of campaign protocol, Seattle Mayor Mike McGinn will confront rival Ed Murray and muss his hair.

 • Seattle-centric TV stations will breathlessly cover the Seattle mayoral election as if the majority of viewers in the region give a rip.

 • Regardless of who wins any race in the entire state, Gov. Jay Inslee will connect it to climate change.

 • After mailing out hundreds of thousands of mail ballots that are never returned, county auditors will call for the next election to be conducted totally by Twitter.

 • Shortly after the “polls” close, TV Tacoma will cite exit polls to declare that Marilyn Strickland will win the Tacoma mayoral race but that the Proposition 1 pothole tax remains within the margin of guess.

 • Members of the Majority Coalition Caucus in Olympia will anxiously watch the results in the special state Senate election in Gig Harbor to see if they can stop letting Sen. Don Benton get everything he wants.

 • Anti-Prop. 1 spokesman Dave McEntee will be late for the election night party after his car disappears in a pothole the size of Michigan.

 • TV viewers will celebrate the end of the election so they can stop seeing old guys oppose Initiative 522 in ads and go back to watching old guys dance and sing about the Mattress Ranch.

 • Regardless of how his initiative on initiatives turns out, Tim Eyman will lament that he didn’t cash in on that whole genetically modified organism bonanza.

 • Senate Majority Coalition Caucus leader Rodney Tom will declare that if a $15 hourly wage is good enough for workers in SeaTac it will now become the going rate for state employees.

 • After a landslide victory, Tacoma City Councilwoman Victoria Woodards will declare her intention to run for higher office and predict that she will win as long as she can run against a guy who’s in jail.

 • Whoever loses the Seattle mayoral race will be interviewed to become the next manager of the Seattle Mariners.

 • Tacoma Port Commissioner Connie Bacon will ride to re-election on her pledge to oppose any mergers of the Port of Tacoma and United Airlines.

 • After defeating a proposal to elect a majority of its council by district, Seattle voters will launch a drive to elect all 147 state legislators at large.

 • If his Initiative 517 is successful, Tim Eyman will declare his right to collect signatures for his next ballot measure in your kitchen.

 • Monsanto will hire Eyman to get signatures on a new initiative to require that the voters pamphlet place labels on all genetically modified politicians.

 • Shortly after the “polls” close, TVW will announce the results of all major campaigns by counting up each side’s number of tweets.

 • Tim Eyman will announce an initiative to require labeling on all genetically modified marijuana, soda pop and bottled water that is used in any same-gender wedding reception serving liquor purchased at Costco.

Peter Callaghan: 253-597-8657 peter.callaghan@ thenewstribune.com @CallaghanPeter

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