The Nose: Sure, earthquakes are fun — until someone loses an eye

December 6, 2013 

When a Schnoz from Tacoma goes to the big city to see the Seahawks play on Monday Night Football, there’s no telling what neuroses might be unhinged and what phobias exposed under the prime-time stadium lights.

Would the wasted guy in the back row hurl the last of his overpriced beers in our lap – and if so, did he drink it first?

Would the 35-degree chill and three layers of long underwear lead to an awkward delay of game while we’re lined up with the 12th Man at the urinal wall?

And if we fail to yell loud enough, would the home team lose and blame us?

Call us paranoid, and you’d probably be right.

But one fear is cold, clearheaded and rational. The rest of the world blissfully ignores it, and they’ll keep tempting fate until the reality hits with a force greater than an Earl Thomas blindside tackle.

We’re talking about earthquakes.

When Lex Luthor tried to start a seismic event in “Superman,” it was diabolical. So how come when Hawks fans do it, it’s all righteous and good?

They couldn’t leave well enough alone: Remember the “Beastquake” of Jan. 8, 2011? That was the temblor set off during a home playoff game against the Saints.

On Monday, in a rematch against New Orleans, fans were incited to break a sporting event noise record (137.6 decibels, topping Kansas City’s mark of 137.5). Packed in like cattle at a livestock auction, they stomped and bellowed enough to simulate a magnitude 1 or 2 earthquake, according to a University of Washington seismometer nearby.

Strange that a mob-induced natural disaster would be celebrated not just by a sports franchise but by an entire city, as well as local and national media.

Stranger still when you consider south downtown Seattle is built on loose fill and an earthquake fault that’s overdue for The Big One.

Meanwhile, the Seahawks hype machine keeps raising expectations.

A day will come when fan loyalty is measured by the size of the tsunami in Elliott Bay and the height of the rubble pile where the Alaskan Way Viaduct once stood.

On the bright side, Tacoma can then be restored to its place as the preeminent city on the Sound. And the Hawks can play in the T-Dome.

A question: If The Big One ever hits when the Mariners are playing at home, will anyone know? Or care?

Body checks and slap shots: It won’t make you forget the Tacoma Rockets junior hockey team, but you can watch adults crash around on ice at the Franciscan Polar Plaza during the first-ever broom ball games held downtown.

This week, The City of Tacoma faced off against the Chamber of Commerce in what was described as a Proposition 1 election grudge match.

The city won 10-4, though it had to bring in ringers from the Tacoma Art Museum and Downtown on the Go to field a team.

Revenge, it seems, is a dish best served cold.

Consolation match: The Chamber’s broom ballers will get another chance at glory Tuesday when they play a team from DaVita in the loser’s bracket.

They’d better wear pads. We hear those DaVita goons really know where to place their kidney punches.

Guv wrestles with responsibilities: Now that he’s done his part to save Boeing for Washington, Gov. Jay Inslee has been able to get on with his other duties: like, Apple Cup appearances. And with the Seahawks clinching a playoff spot, he and his top aides can plan for an inevitable series of dumb bets with other governors.

But first, he will greet an entourage of pro wrestlers and scantily clad babes at a show Wednesday that will be recorded for an NBC broadcast on Dec. 28.

“Proud to be welcoming the WWE Tribute to the Troops event at Joint Base Lewis-McChord next week,” Inslee says on his Facebook page. “Admission is free for all of our military families. Choke-slams and figure-four leg-locks cost extra.”

Should be quite a treat. To see staged mayhem like this, Inslee usually has to wait for the legislative session.

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