Christmas Eve has arrived, and I’m not nearly ready for the big day. Nothing helps me get organized like a long list of things I still need to get done (but probably won’t).
1. Decide whether to blame lack of gifts on laziness, no money or Obamacare.
2. Order new drone from Amazon and have it delivered by drone from Amazon.
3. Sign Christmas Eve cease-fire in War on Christmas.
4. Figure out how to explain that after buying the gigantic red ribbon to put on top of wife’s new car, I could no longer afford wife’s new car.
5. Mail holiday form letter about how neat I am.
6. Break it to kids that those black and Hispanic Santas aren’t the real Santa.
7. Order authentic white Jesus for creche from Christmas supply house in China.
8. After saving so much electricity with energy-efficient LED holiday lights, make plans to save even more next year with energy-efficient No Lights.
9. Take comfort in all the joy that was brought into the lives of so many people around the globe who purchased stuff with my credit card after I shopped at Target.
10. Decide whether to give Cougar fans on gift list Connor Halliday replica jersey or large bottle of Zoloft.
11. Go on iTunes and buy Miley Cyrus’ smash holiday single, “I Saw Mommy Twerkin’ Santa Claus.”
12. Remember to take hemp bags for shopping trip to Seattle.
13. Set DVR for Thursday’s not-to-be-missed San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.
14. Give end-of-year tip to barber, paper carrier and parole officer.
15. Tell Elf on the Shelf to spill his guts or he’s off to Guantanamo.
16. Find way to confirm suspicions that my Secret Santa is actually Edward Snowden.
17. Check with Boeing brass to make sure they are getting everything on their Christmas wish list.
18. Practice Heimlich maneuver before serving Christmas Day prime-rib dinner.
19. Consult etiquette websites to see if it is permissible to regift Hanukkah gifts as Christmas gifts.
20. Ask Gov. Jay Inslee to calculate carbon footprint of our Yule log.
21. Make sure Santa Claus still offers free home delivery.
22. Don’t forget to get IRS tax receipt from Salvation Army bell ringer.
23. Stop by medical marijuana dispensary to pick out present for madcap White Elephant gift exchange.
24. Figure out how to buy a gift card for gift cards so I don’t have to figure out which gift cards to give people I don’t want to actually shop for.
25. Cancel New Year’s Eve plans so as to spend more time trying to get through on HealthCare.gov website.
26. Try, try, try to stop thinking about Rush Limbaugh every time I hear “White Christmas.”
27. Check with psychologist to see if she thinks pouring eggnog in my coffee, my orange juice and my cereal suggests that I might have some eggnog issues.
28. Join Weight Watchers.
29. Speculate as to whether Seattle Mariners will get stocking filled with coal or with a right-handed hitting outfielder and a decent fourth starter.
30. Remember to leave out some low-fat, gluten-free, locally sourced, cage-free snacks for Santa Claus. And some eggnog.
31. Bake marijuana snacks for Dasher and Dancer, for Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen, to see if reindeer really know how to fly.
32. Have chimney cleaned to avoid last year’s unfortunate incident involving Santa’s dry cleaning bill and all those lawyers.
33. Get list of gun permits from county to make sure we don’t carol at the wrong houses.
34. To take full advantage of last-minute bargains by desperate retailers, check out newspaper circulars for all the big door-buster sales that open right after midnight Mass.
35. Send thank-you notes to family and friends via Twitter.