The Nose looks back at 2013: We burn with regret, beg your pardon

TheNose@thenewstribune.comDecember 27, 2013 

The year in review: Jay Inslee went to China, where he (a) spoke into a microphone made of Almond Roca; (b) traded his soul and a box of Roca to help Boeing win a contract with China; (c) guest-hosted a popular TV game show roughly translated as “Candy Happy Fun Time”; (d) all of the above.

PHOTO COURTESY OF BROWN & HALEY

When this year dawned full of bright hope and possibility, Pierce County was in a familiar winter place — stuck under a burn ban, like the one we had this week.

Such a shame. We’d just discovered a Noseworthy local product, Tacoma Firelogs, and there we were having to use them as woodsy-smelling door stops.

Seems like yesterday we were sniffing about that. It was the first of our 50 or so columns in 2013 (minus a few weeks off for teeth cleanings and rhinoplasty), as the ol’ Nose was put to the grindstone. Each epistle was as lovingly handcrafted as a Tacoma Firelog.

Now, in the spirit of what our therapist calls “starting fresh in 2014,” we offer profound apologies to those folks without whom the weekly blowings would not have been possible.

In chronological order:

 • Gov. Chris Gregoire. Sorry we teased you for forgetting to place a playoff bet on the Seahawks on your way out the door. But you do realize that’s why they lost, right?

 • Attorneys at Pierce County Superior Court. We wouldn’t put us on a jury, either.

 • Seattle. For suggesting you don’t deserve your ranking as America’s second-sexiest city. We stand corrected. Judging by your rising gonorrhea rate, you’re bringing sexy back!

 • That guy who fled a University Place crime scene in a rowboat. Hey, if it happened in Tacoma, the City Council would give you an award for using an alternate mode of transportation.

 • Mayor Marilyn Strickland. True, you gushed in a speech about a Tacoma-based “multimillion dollar international corporation” that doesn’t exist. But you were probably just getting a jump on April Fools Day.

 • State Rep. Steve Kirby, D-Tacoma. You can drop your cellphone in the toilet, and talk about it on the House floor, as often as you want.

 • State Sen. Bruce Dammeier, R-Puyallup. You touched on the prickly subject of porcupine sex. In hindsight, you were brave to speak out — but not as brave as porcupines having sex.

 • Tacoma. For being only the No. 4 binge-drinking city in the Northwest. We’re confident you’ll pub-crawl your way to the top next year.

 • Gov. Jay Inslee. For answering a foreign policy question by quoting Kevin Bacon in “Animal House.” We liked it because, frankly, Churchill is way overquoted.

 • Washington State Fair. Because, come to think of it, Paylallyap is hard to spell.

 • Sen. Pam Roach and several other legislators who went to a firing range. Perhaps we didn’t give you enough credit for this show of bipartisanship, and for not shooting each other.

 • Tacoma Art Museum. We were wrong to suggest you redesign your new Western American art wing to look like Mattress Ranch.

 • The state’s “gender neutral” language campaign. We no longer think this is a dumb idea, and henceforth shall call Tacomans “Tacopersons.”

 • Greater Tacoma Convention and Trade Center. It was silly of us to suggest you host a cannabis convention. Imagine all the lost people downtown asking, “Dude, where’s my car?”

 • Inslee. For unveiling new Seahawks and Sounders specialty license plates. At least somebody’s doing promotion for those teams!

 • Port of Tacoma. So what if you had to pay around $660,000 to put one election race on the ballot. The incumbent was easily re-elected, so it was money well spent.

 • Inslee. For going to China to promote Almond Roca. If Boeing flies the coop, we’ve gotta export something! And Roca hardly ever has product recalls for battery problems.

 • Seattle. For suggesting the ice cream flavor named for you should be Alaskan Way Viaduct Chunk. We were just jealous Ben & Jerry didn’t pick us.

 • Seattle. For suggesting the Experience Music Project is ugly. We meant sexy!

And that’s not even half the columns! So with apologies for rushing, here are quick apologies to others we wrote about in 2013:

Sen. Nathan Schlicher. City Councilman Ryan Mello. Justin Bieber. (Coincidentally, these three are often confused for each other.)

Tacoma Rainiers, U.S. Army. The popemobile. Architects of new Tacoma WalMart. Lakewood. Naked statues in downtown Puyallup.

JZ Knight. U.S. Rep. Derek Kilmer. Actor Val Kilmer.

The Mariners. Pierce Transit. Sunset Magazine. The Mariners. Fife.

City Manager T.C. Broadnax and his Hawaiian shirt.

County Executive Pat McCarthy. The state Liquor and Ganja Control Board. Potholes.

Earthquake-causing Seahawks fans. School cafeteria palm scanners.

Men named Dale. (Chihuly and Washam). Men in general. Men who are generals.

For anyone we missed, we’re sorry: If offense was taken or feelings hurt, forgive us our sins. If occasionally (or weekly), the line was crossed between good humor and bad taste, we’re ready to bend over for a firm spanking.

But understand that 2014 will bring another long list of Schnoz apologies.

Topped again by Seattle, Inslee and the Mariners, no doubt.

Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune

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