The Nose: That cigarette in your car holds dying embers of freedom

TheNose@thenewstribune.comJanuary 17, 2014 

Tickle her taste buds, the Tacoma way.

COURTESY OF ALFORD & CO.

If a man’s home is his castle, then his automobile is his trusty steed. And neither his house nor his horse should be violated by the whims of King George or Governor Jay.

Thus, it is with great alarm that we see our state electoids, just days into their 2014 session, renew their assault on our right to drive the Nosemobile however we darned well please.

It was bad enough when Washington became the first state to outlaw texting while driving in 2008, followed six months later by a ban on cellphone calls.

OMG, if God wanted us to use a Bluetooth, he wouldn’t have given us hands.

Now some lawmakers want to double the fines for repeat offenders. Senate Bill 6227 also would force us to pull over every time we want to check the Seahawks-49ers betting line, play Angry Birds or post a tweet. (#tyrannyofthefreeway)

There’s also this fascist idea: Some pols want to stop us from enjoying a tasty cancer stick in our car when a minor is present.

House Bill 2086 would set a penalty of up to $250 for anyone caught sucking on a lighted pipe, cigar or cigarette in a moving or parked motor vehicle, if junior is aboard. (Funny how it doesn’t say anything about joints. Gotta be an oversight, right?)

How fitting that one of the bill’s sponsors is named Orwell (or Orwall, whatever). Big Brother is back — and he’s sticking his big snoot in our center-console ashtray!

No, we don’t smoke. But we’re considering taking it up just so our indignation has a more righteous, menthol-flavored edge.

Butthead drivers, unite!: If you’re reading this while driving, don’t even think about tossing your butt out the window — or your cell phone, for that matter.

They’ll just bust you for littering.

Someday soon we won’t even be able to put the top down and feel the wind in our hair, because of the crash helmets they’ll make us wear.

It’s all a conspiracy to make us forfeit our internal-combustion-fueled souls and ride mass transit.

So live for the moment. Embrace your inner single-occupancy-vehicle-driving freedom fighter while you still can. And try some of our suggested ways to have a bit of rebellious fun in a motorcar.

The Legislature hasn’t made these illegal, yet. At least not that we know of.

Viva la resistance!:

 • Dress yourself and your dog in matching hat and sunglasses, use carpool lane with impunity.

 • Stop at Narrows bridge tollbooth and order a double tall mocha with extra foam. Refuse to leave until you get it.

 • Cruise down Interstate 5 during rush hour with infant car seat and baby doll strapped to roof.

 • Drive slowly through Point Defiance Park, roll down window and ask every pedestrian: “Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

 • Enter your car in the Daffodil Parade with a friend bound and gagged in back seat, and “Help Me!” scrawled in red lipstick on rear window.

 • Leave car unattended on Tacoma-Vashon ferry, wrapped with yellow crime scene tape. Place loud, ticking clock in trunk.

 • Drive rusty, dented 1986 Buick Le Sabre to front door of LeMay car museum during Concours d’Elegance. Tell attendant: “Here it is, where do you want it?”

Nothing says “love” like gastric distress: A pair of Tacoma food companies are teaming up for a Valentine’s Day gift package that will either make her heart burn or else give her heartburn.

Through Feb. 14, you can pay $10.99 for a heart-shaped tin of Almond Roca from Brown and Haley plus a jar of Hot Mama Spears from Lynnae’s Gourmet Pickles.

Not a bad deal. And if she actually likes that combo, you’ve saved the cost of a pregnancy test.

And on a sad note: Our favorite “Gilligan’s Island” castaway, Russell Johnson, died Thursday at his home on Bainbridge.

He was 89 and still hadn’t gotten off the island, despite being able to make a radio out of coconuts.

He is survived by Ginger and Mary Ann.

Got news forThe Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune

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