The day has finally arrived but I’m not nearly ready for the World’s Greatest Super Bowl Party ever.
The game starts at 3:30 p.m., but the pregame show started Thursday, and party guests should start showing up … actually, they slept on the living room floor last night.
The pressure is really on this year because with the Seahawks in the game, area fans have more adrenaline than the Incredible Hulk. Just about anything could set them off — bad food, not enough beer, a power outage. And you don’t want to see them angry. Drunk, yes. Angry, no.
That means I still have a ton of stuff to do to get ready. I need a checklist, just like those airline pilots and plumbing inspectors.
1. Get case of 12 Man beer from Dick’s Brewing and 12th Man-labeled wine from Northwest Cellars for World’s Greatest Super Bowl Party.
2. Tune up spring on Efren Herrera bobblehead doll.
3. Use Skype to send evil eye to all (former) friends in Colorado.
4. Decide which of the cats to paint green and which to paint blue.
5. Find bottle of kitty downers.
6. Decide whether 52-inch LED is too small for the bathroom.
7. Practice Heimlich maneuver before loading Crock-Pot with Lit’l Smokies.
8. Borrow some of Justin Bieber’s Xanax in case the unthinkable happens.
9. Cancel all charitable contributions so as to have enough money available to help pay fines against Marshawn Lynch for not talking to the soul-sucking, venomous media.
10. Finish table centerpiece featuring lifesize replica of Vince Lombardi Trophy made entirely of Cheez Whiz.
11. Check again with Amazon to make sure “Jersey The Super Bowl Monkey” will arrive in time for game.
12. Take out living room wall to fit Sharp Aquos Quattron 80-inch LED with 1080p and 240Hz.
13. Turn off furnace so World’s Greatest Super Bowl Party guests can experience the game just like the fans at MetLife Stadium.
14. Change house number to MMMDCCXVIII.
15. Get blue and green Pepcid from Bartell Drugs.
16. Make secret contact with Tacoma’s crosswalk vigilantes to arrange for midnight painting of replica of MetLife Stadium field in street.
17. Go to basement and dig out old Beno Bryant jersey.
18. Finish Colin Kaepernick piñata for kids. Fill with Skittles.
19. Sign Internet petition urging Ford to change name of its SUV from “Bronco” to “Pete Carroll.”
20. Call Uncle Barry and urge him not to reprise last year’s embarrassing halftime routine, which will forever be known in the family as the “Naked Bootleg.”
21. Prepare letter to the editor condemning the soul-sucking and venomous media for how it has treated Marshawn Lynch and Richard Sherman. Wait. I am the soul-sucking and venomous media? Nevermind.
22. Follow @DangeRussWilson on Twitter to keep up with all of his midgame tweets.
23. Hold moment of silence for Bill the Beerman and Rick the Peanut Guy.
24. In the name of brotherhood and good sportsmanship, invite Broncos fans from across the street to World’s Greatest Super Bowl Party. Don’t answer the door.
25. Ask phone company for new number that doesn’t have a “4” or a “9.”
26. Decide whether to go with gloss, semi-gloss or satin finish for Seahawks face paint.
27. Set DVR to catch any wardrobe malfunctions involving opera soprano Renee Fleming or Fox pre-game panelist Howie Long.
28. Check burn-ban status with Puget Sound Clean Air Agency in case we have to torch referees in effigy after the game.