The Nose: Tacoma puts on velvet pants like other cities, one leg at a time

TheNose@thenewstribune.comFebruary 28, 2014 

About 12 years ago, we told you about some casual slip-on shoes, named Tacomas, that were selling at sporting goods stores for $15.

The Tacoma clothing line should have ended right there. Snores Truly can’t think of a more fitting fashion statement than cheap sandals named for a city that’s used to being stepped on.

Let’s wear some tube socks under those bad boys, and take the dog for a walk down Sixth Avenue.

Face it, we’re frumpy, and want to keep it that way. Shut the closet door, lock it, throw away the key. Protect the brand.

So it chafed us like a wet set of knickers this week when we discovered a namesake pair of pants, made by chic Europeans who’ve probably never been to the 253.

Introducing, Tacoma Trousers.

It wouldn’t be so bad if they were a pair of low-waisted plumbers’ dungarees, revealing just a crack of moonlight. Or a pair of baggy drawstring sweat pants, like George once wore on “Seinfeld.” (Jerry to George: “You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”)

That would be OK. Especially if the pants were renamed and rebranded to match our city’s laid-back, come-as-you-are profile.

Tacoma Trousers? No way, man.

Tacoma Slacks.

Slogan time:

 • Tacoma Slacks: The ideal fit for a city left behind – and for your whole behind.

 • Tacoma bums feel good in Tacoma Slacks.

 • Tacoma Slacks: Available in navy, tan and Tagro.

 • Relax and enjoy some late-night snacks in a forgiving pair of Tacoma Slacks.

Fancy pants: Unfortunately, the makers of Tacoma Trousers have produced a garment that’s far from trouser-like — and even further from Tacoma-like.

For the low, low price of $360, you can buy a one-piece “velvet mix tube (that) transforms the trousers with a gathered waistband into a complete outfit with a strapless top in no time at all.”

Doubtful that’s a look fit for a night out at Bob’s Java Jive, but what does The Nose know? We stopped wearing pants years ago. (A kilt is so liberating.)

The manufacturer is Wolford, a clothier based in Bregenz, Austria, that also makes pricey hosiery, tighty nighties and other ladies’ unmentionables. Wolford bills itself as a leader in “affordable luxury covering all areas of finest textiles that embrace the female body, for the most possible embellishment of its natural silhouette.”

Don’t get us wrong, we appreciate a woman’s shape as much as the rest of the gang down at Hooters. But a $360 velvet pantsuit sounds a tad snooty to us slackers.

Why not call ’em Seattle Trousers?

Perfect for a city that’s too big for its britches.

Tacoma tough: Warning, don’t try this at home if you own a Toyota pickup. It’s probably not covered under the factory warranty.

A group of Special Forces soldiers (from the Army base south of Tacoma, natch) were so pleased with how their Tacoma TRD held up during an intense attack by Taliban fighters in Afghanistan, they wrote a thank-you letter to the CEO of Toyota.

“The Tacoma has taken quite a beating,” the JBLM warriors wrote. “It received numerous rounds from enemy gunfire and grenade launchers through the truck body, engine and cab, yet continued to perform stalwartly.”

Glad some products are giving Tacoma a good name.

No way Tacoma Trousers could survive a grenade in the rear end.

Needled again: Local tourism gurus lured hundreds of global travel-industry types to T-Town this week to put on the hard sell. Hip, hip hooray and jolly good show.

The closing party at the LeMay car museum was a nice touch. Because nothing says “Tacoma” like a giant Space Needle replica.

Farewell to our sibling appendage: The Alaska Ear has called it quits.

The omniscient orifice from way up north decided 30 years was long enough.

We’ll miss the Ear not only because we have the same newspaper company and otolaryngologist, but also a love of our communities. And a shared understanding that nothing is beneath us — except the mouth, the chin, the neck ... OK, pretty much the whole public body is beneath us.

Don’t worry, nasalites, we’re staying put for now.

Without an Ear, something’s gotta hold up your glasses so you can see clearly.

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