Dave Letterman is retiring from “The Late Show,” leaving the chair vacant.
Wouldn’t it be neat to put a woman in that chair?
First off, women are not funny.
Occasionally, they are indignant. But that is as far as it goes. If you really want laughs, have the vengeful spirit of Christopher Hitchens take over hosting duties. That man knew comedy.
It was scandalous enough when network executives tried to put a redhead in the chair. That almost tore NBC apart at the seams.
No, what CBS needs to do is hire a white guy named Jimmy. There are two places where Jimmys belong: on ice cream cones and behind the desks of late-night shows.
After all, they are the funniest people in comedy. Consider: Who, in the course of history, has hosted more late-night talk shows on major broadcast networks? Women and people of color, or white men named Jimmy? That’s right: white men named Jimmy. There is something about this name that makes a person objectively better. There are so comparatively many women out there, and so comparatively few people named Jimmy, that this has to be a merit thing.
Consider how many women out there seem, on the surface, as though they might be a good fit for a desk like this. Chelsea Handler is leaving her show this year! Whatever you think about her, she is definitely female! And she has experience being on TV late at night. Or, heck, one of the Amys — Poehler, Sedaris, Schumer? Do they do interviews? Ellen seems to be having a good time in daytime, but if she ever changes her mind . . .
Delving deeper into the land of podcasts (hey, they got Pete Holmes a show this way!), what about Aisha Tyler of “Girl on Guy”? Or Julie Klausner of “How Was Your Week?” These are just a few off the top of my head.
No, no ladies. Just put a Jimmy on it. That’s the way to go.Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog at washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost.