The Nose: Vote ‘yes’ to defrost Tacoma polar bears’ chilly love life

TheNose@thenewstribune.comApril 11, 2014 

Elections seem out of place in April, like a 70-degree day or a Mariners’ winning streak.

That didn’t stop Metro Parks from floating an April 22 bond measure. They’re putting on a full-court press to convince local folks to pay $198 million of their hard-earned green to keep Tacoma green.

Should we be excited about improvements to neighborhood playgrounds, regional parks and sports fields? Sounds alright, although those places aggravate our hay fever.

Should we be jazzed about more investment in community centers? Sure. It’s not their fault we pulled a hammy in Zumba class.

But if there’s one indisputable reason to vote yes, it is this:

Polar bear hanky-panky.

Our furry friends at the Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium have earned the right to some white-hot ursine action.

At other zoos around the world, April is the start of polar bear mating season.

Tragically, that’s never been the case for Boris, Glacier and Blizzard – that den of eunuchs, occupants of a sexless bachelor pad. They don’t know what they’ve been missing all these years down at Rocky Shores (which, ironically, sounds like a porn star name).

All they could do is listen and wonder while E.T. the Walrus whistled his way into the lady walruses’ hearts a few tanks over. (No successful breeding for E.T., but not for lack of trying.)

Meantime, the Sumatran tigers and clouded leopards have sowed their oats up the hill.

If the bond measure passes, the zoo poobahs say they’ll be able to keep their polar bear accreditation and bring in more bears someday. Maybe a female. Maybe even a breeding pair.

Add a state-of-the art boudoir for the couple to get to know each other. Cue the mood lighting, pour two glasses of Chianti and put some Barry White ballads on the turntable.

Lord knows they deserve it: Polar bears are rock stars.

They’ve entertained our families at Point D for decades. They dominate the zoo’s marketing efforts, including this spring’s election yard signs. They even attend an exclusive breakfast for winners of the zoo’s annual “Paw of Approval” Award for environmental stewardship. (We assume the humans are served breakfast, not served for breakfast.)

Oh, yeah, they’re also facing the destruction of their Arctic habitat.

So remember, a vote for Proposition 1 is a vote for love. If the polar bears are going extinct, they might as well go down swinging.

Then the big fellas can start brushing up on their ...

Polar bear pickup lines!:

 • Hey babe, mind if I break the ice with you?

 • They say opposites attract; well, I’m your polar opposite.

 • You’re hotter than global warming.

 • I’ll make you forget you hung around those other iceholes.

Why we love being from Washington: Our state has the fewest number of Justin Bieber fans, based on a Facebook analysis by a national search site called Estately.

Why we love not being from West Virginia: Largest number of JB fans.

Also leads the nation in smoking, obesity and inbreeding. But Bieber fever will be the end of those people.

Why we love being from Pierce County: The Daffodil Festival. We love it for many reasons, but mostly because it manages to look comfortable while straddling the line between pageantry and absurdity.

Princesses getting wanded in the security line at the County Courthouse? Check.

Princesses scarfing down Gummi Bears on the bus between parades? Check.

The best part was when the queen’s float had to be towed by a Jeep after breaking down on parade day. The princesses kept smiling for the crowds, no sign of Gummi debris in their teeth.

Did we mention the Jeep had a Confederate flag decal above the bumper?

Check!

Monkey see, monkey do: Those Gig Harbor High School seniors who mistakenly ordered 200 dozen donuts for a fundraiser instead of 200 donuts surely learned a valuable lesson a few weeks ago.

It was originally taught by Curious George in a story called “Zeros to Donuts.” The Man in the Yellow Hat sends George out to pick up one dozen donuts and the confused little simian changes the order to 100 dozen.

The takeaway for the Class of 2014 should be obvious: Those calculus classes you sweated through are overrated.

All you really need to know in life, you learned in kindergarten. Or should have.

Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune

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