Call me a vampire traditionalist.

Fangs in the jugular. Stakes through the heart. Garlic on the door. Hoofbeats in the Borgo Pass.

And above all, the sun: Avoid.

That’s what makes a vampire movie, by Godfrey. Take all that stuff away, and what have you got?

“Twilight,” that’s what.

As anyone even remotely familiar with Stephenie Meyer’s series of best-sellers knows, she created a whole new vampire mythology when she sat down to write “Twilight,” the first book in the series several years ago.

(What? You didn’t know this? Obviously, you’re not a teenage girl.)

About the only thing Meyer retained from the classic vampire canon was the bloodsucking. And even that is barely there in her novel. I’ve managed to get 340-plus pages into the 500-plus-page opus, and no one has had his, or her, neck nipped yet.

Being that far in, I can attest that “Twilight,” the movie, follows “Twilight,” the book, very closely. To the novel’s millions of fans, that’s a reassurance. To everyone else, it’s a warning.

Not much happens in the book. Not much happens in the movie.

Not much, that is, beyond scene after scene of human heroine Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) staring soulfully into the fierce/mesmerizing/dreamy/scary/seductive eyes of Edward Cullen, vampire (Robert Pattinson).

It’s all about the orbs in “Twilight.” Director Catherine Hardwicke (“Thirteen”) keeps the camera focused tight on her protagonists’ peepers for long periods.

Windows to the soul – Do vampires have souls? Discuss. – gateways to feelings, reflectors of moods. Look into his eyes, you impressionable young human, you. Fall under their unearthly spell. It’s your destiny.

Can you dig it?

Set in Forks but not filmed there (Kalama, Cowlitz County, and a variety of Oregon locations stand in), it follows new-kid-in-town Bella, a 17-year-old transplant from Phoenix, as she struggles to fit in at school and struggles to adapt to the Forks’ drippy Northwest climate.

She’s a loner. She’s kind of a klutz. She’s a wee bit plain. She doesn’t have much experience with boys.

And then one day into class, he walks. He’s got kind of a James Dean thing going on, with his high forehead crowned by a well-gelled bow wave of upswept hair. He radiates an air of mystery. He’s got a sexy scowl.

One look and Bella is gone, baby, gone.

And the rest of the picture is devoted to her getting him to warm up to her. Which turns out not to be too hard, despite the fact that being undead, his skin is ice-cold to the touch. But he’s got the hots for her. This is a problem. Vampire lust usually has one outcome: Fangs, meet neck.

But Edward and his family are different. They’ve trained themselves out of the practice of drinking human blood out of its original containers. They dine instead on animals. This makes them vegetarian vampires. But presented with a tempting morsel like Bella, Edward’s self-restraint is tested to the max. And therein lies the heart of the story and the essence of its appeal. He’s the ultimate drop-dead gorgeous hunk who, because he’s undead, is tantalizingly unattainable.

But he wants her. And she wants him. So they agonize.

This is a very moody movie, and its mood is mostly morose. “Twilight” plays out under ever-overcast skies, because Forks’ heavily filtered sunshine is the only kind these day-walking vampires find truly tolerable. The cast’s complexions match those skies: They’re greenish-gray.

The acting of Stewart and Pattinson is certainly earnest, but they’re unable to make their characters particularly compelling. Declarations of soul-searing passion notwithstanding, Bella and Edward are pretty pallid personalities. And Pattinson, model handsome though he is, doesn’t have the dramatic chops to convincingly convey Edward’s air of menace. His portrayal is more about the idea of menace rather than projecting menace itself.

For all of its grave pretentiousness, “Twilight” is pretty funny in parts, though certainly not by design. It’s hard not to crack a smile when Edward brings Bella to his home to meet his family – such well-mannered vampires – and when the clan heads for the woods for a game of baseball. Vampire baseball? All of that is taken from the book, but it feels just as nonsensical on the page as it does on the screen.

Hardwicke and credited screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg do try spark the story along with occasional scenes of luckless extras being pounced by rogue vampires who aren’t as cultivated as the Cullens and behave the way we expect vampires to behave. One of these nasties is played with mad-eyed fury by former Auburn resident Cam Gigandet.

Most of the really bad behavior is saved for the end, and eventually blood is spilled. But it’s too little and too late to rescue this dour and bloodless movie.

Soren Andersen: 253-597-8660 * * *

Twilight

Director: Catherine Hardwicke

Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli and Cam Gigandet

Running Time: two hours

Rating: PG-13; violence, sensuality

Where: In wide release; showtimes, Pages 26-27