Too bad Ivan the Gorilla hasn’t consummated his own love affairs with various live-in ladyfriends since moving to Zoo Atlanta. He’s like the ape version of Jack Tripper from “Three’s Company.”

For nearly 30 years Ivan lived on South Tacoma Way in his own private Gitmo, but with a tire swing. He’s been gone 13 years. And yet the king of the silverback gorillas continues to influence those who grew up on the other side of the safety glass.

To wit: The Sons of Ivan, a South Sound psychedelic rock band popular among the Hell’s Kitchen and Bob’s Java Jive set. Their MySpace page says: “Ivan evoked fear, awe, and even a little sadness” for boys whose parents took them to the B&I.

Then came recent notice that some of Ivan’s abstract paintings were being auctioned for charity at an Atlanta restaurant, which sparked a trip down memory lane on our food blog (blogs.thenewstribune.com/edsdiner).

“Oh the memories!!!” gushed one comment posted in early June. “Good ol’ Ivan!” sighed another. “Would like to know how I could purchase one of his works of art,” said another.

But we’re here today to update you on something more valuable than Ivan’s homages to Jackson Pollock.

That’d be his sperm.

Ivan was quite the stud in his B&I days, sometimes providing his essence to the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle.

But as part of the deal that sent him to Atlanta, there would be no more sperm collection. Presumably his former owners thought he’d need it to enhance his own mojo.

So you could’ve knocked us over with a feather the other day when we stumbled onto a 2007 study by some California university researchers. They found “that sperm cells from the more promiscuous chimpanzee and rhesus macaque species swim much faster and with much greater force than those of humans and gorillas.”

In the list of, ah, essential contributors, we found this fine print: “Fresh gorilla samples were provided by Ivan at Zoo Atlanta.”

Bleepin’ sperm bandits!

Before calling the tabloids, we decided to contact a Zoo Atlanta spokeswoman. Didn’t hear back, but we’ll bet she’d say his semen wasn’t used for breeding, or some loophole like that.

Despite these scandalous monkeyshines, the news can only boost Ivan’s image around these parts.

Forty-something-year-old dude. Gettin’ paunchy around the middle. Big schnoz and a bit of a knuckle-dragger. Not gettin’ much lovin’ at home. And swimmers weaker than a spawned-out chinook.

Pretty well describes us and everyone we hang with.

One vexing question this primate-based sperm research doesn’t resolve: boxers vs. briefs.

Word is that the Tacoma School Board is about to reopen the grade school recess policy can of worms.

We say kick that can. The school czars should read a national report out this week, saying 9-year-olds get three hours of exercise a day while 15-year-olds are slugs.

Installing playgrounds and requiring red rover at all five high schools seems the wiser course.

A shout-out to King County Exec Ron Sims, just named 2008 county leader of the year by American City & County Magazine. The editors swooned over Sims, saying “the genius” of his leadership is his collaborative approach to problem solving.

As in, suddenly changing his stripes and opposing an extension of light rail to Tacoma? After Seattle already got its fat piece of the pie?

Oh, that kind of collaboration.

Meantime, we’re waiting to see if John Ladenburg is named county leader of the year by Executive Golfer Magazine.

Got news for The Nose? Call 253-597-8742, Ext. NOSE (6673) or write TheNose@thenewstribune.com.