A diabolical tale of a Badger vs. an evil squirrel

THE NEWS TRIBUNE
Last updated: October 10th, 2008 12:37 AM (PDT)

In a sign that the economy is spooking all God’s creatures great and small, a varmint at High Cedars Golf Club in Orting snatched the wallet of a high school golfer last week.

Katie Badger, a 17-year-old Lakes High senior, was finishing her 18th hole in a match against Bonney Lake. That’s when she spotted a critter tunneling into her golf bag and making off with something in its mouth.

It scampered up a tree and across a limb. A friend fashioned the wallet out of Kool-Aid packets, and Badger surmises the smell attracted the rodent.

“I wasn’t warned until after the match that there are really evil squirrels at that golf course,” the Lakewood resident told Le Schnoz on Thursday. “They are just possessed, I guess.”

Eventually the mangy pickpocket dropped the goods after coaches from both schools chucked golf balls at it.

And here we thought playing a round at Chambers Bay was the most brazen form of golf course larceny around these parts.

We have just one thing to say to the Northwest’s thieving band of squirrels: Invest in gold.

Nothing like the specter of looming Recession/Depression/Collapse of Civilization/Return to Monkey Rule to get folks interested in politics.

That’s the lesson we take from news this week that Washington has more registered voters than ever: 3.5 million and then some, according to the Secretary of State’s Office.

Before long we’ll find out if our state is any better off with bazoodles of new voters. Or if things worked better the old way, when nobody cared.

Turns out there’s a dark side to the voter registration bonanza.

Sure, a bunch of felons and dead people were dumped from the rolls in 2004. But there’s no telling how many underage teens might be marking ballots with impunity.

Thanks to the crusading crusaders at the Evergreen Freedom Foundation, we might find out. They filed suit this week to force Secretary of State Sam Reed to do a better job keeping young punks from premature exercise of their civic responsibility.

In the last eight years, 16,000 teens have registered to vote and dozens – gadzooks, dozens! – received and cast ballots, the foundation says.

Reed’s office says it’s working on the problem, but admits that four 17-year-olds voted in this year’s primary.

Four might not seem like a big deal. Until you remember the margin in the last governor’s race.

Those crazy kids. First voting, then what? Paying taxes? Dragging their sorry butts into dead-end jobs year after year, gradually abandoning their dreams and waiting quietly to die?

We smell a Sam Reed public service campaign coming on: “Real life can wait, boys and girls. Enjoy your nonvoting youth while you can.”

Maybe Reed could learn a thing or two from the bouncer at the Olympia bar who refused to let Gov. Chris Gregoire into the joint because she didn’t have ID along.

True, she appears older than 21, and she kind of resembles that important-looking lady on TV every 10 seconds. But why take a chance?

There’s a rumor Dino Rossi also got turned away from a saloon because his face doesn’t match his ID.

Because, like the TV ads say, he looks so much like George Bush.

Wazzu coaches raided the dorms, frat houses and grain elevators this week. They scouted happy hour at The Coug. They probed the borders of metropolitan Colfax. All to sign a walk-on quarterback for the practice squad.

Attention U-Dub: There are worse ways to find an interim coach.

Finally, a word on behalf of our features editors: Oops.

Their mouthwatering center spread about bacon on Wednesday’s food page was done forgetting that it was Yom Kippur, a Jewish holy day.

They meant no insult.

But to even things out, on the first day of Lent, how ’bout publishing a section on all-you-can-eat buffets?

Got news for The Nose? Call 253-597-8742, Ext. NOSE (6673) or write TheNose@thenewstribune.com.

Originally published: October 10th, 2008 12:37 AM (PDT)