Five Tacoma-centric constitutional amendments we'd like to see advanced by the 2017 Legislature. It is hereby ordained ...
1. That perfect toleration of Almond Roca and Chihuly glass shall be secured so that no inhabitant of this state shall be molested in person or property on account of his or her appreciation for Roca and Chihuly.
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2. That Seattle Territory disclaim all right and title to lands lying within Tacoma Territory, and pay reparations for all heretofore purloined assets, including Russell Investments and the UPS Law School.
3. That the classic rock song "Walk, Don't Run" by Tacoma's own The Ventures be consecrated as the official surf-music instrumental of the state of Washington, and forever hailed as such.
4. That Tacoma's own Sonics Guy be dispatched forthwith to conduct bilateral negotiations with the NBA for a return of the Sonics franchise, including 20 home games per season in the Tacoma Dome.
5. That the obsolete derogatory term "Tacoma aroma" be henceforth stricken from all public discourse, both written and verbal, under penalty of death.