It’s critically important that hard-working Americans everywhere come together and cheer on Republicans in Congress as they bravely attempt to pass a tax reform bill that will help those most in need: the rich.
Like most regular, nonrich people, I have been super pumped about tax reform for weeks, because I know the moment large corporations and wealthy individuals start paying less in taxes, their excess wealth juice will trickle down upon me and fill my dented tin cup with runoff largesse.
All that stands between us and a veritable waterfall of prosperity are the dippy libs who claim that lower- and middle-income families will eventually see their taxes increase. And what do they base that claim on? Numbers. Stupid, stupid numbers.
According to the nonpartisan Tax Policy Center, a group I don’t think exists because I don’t want it to, 50 percent of taxpayers will be paying more in taxes by 2027.
Never miss a local story.
That’s because Republicans are wisely making tax cuts for big businesses permanent, then paying for that by letting tax cuts for human beings who don’t bathe in money expire.
The Joint Committee on Taxation, which I also choose to believe is fake, reported that by 2027, most Americans making $75,000 a year or less would see a tax increase while those making $100,000 or more a year would keep paying less in taxes.
I get how that might sound bad, but I assure you it’s not. None of these so-called “expert analyses” takes into account what everyone at my Ronald Reagan Fan Fiction Club has been saying for years: If you cut taxes on the wealthy, they will create more jobs, and stimulate the economy and money will trickle down to the rest of us.
It has happened time and time again throughout revisionist economic history, and I have no reason to doubt this time will be any different in my imagination.
Soon corporations could see their tax rates cut from 35 percent to 20 percent, meaning a good portion of that 15 percent that corporations save would come directly to us, because corporations are people and the Bible says people should care for other people.
You don’t have to be an economist to see how smoothly this is all going to work.
I’ve already started daydreaming about how the money will be delivered. An airdrop would be fun, though I worry cash might get lost to the wind or to pesky birds feathering their nests with $100 bills.
Maybe the wealthy will drive their luxury vehicles down residential streets and fire stacks of money from modified T-shirt cannons. What I wouldn’t give to get shot in the face with a thick stack of 20s!
It is possible the tax plan’s repeal of the Affordable Care Act’s individual mandate will cause 13 million people to lose health coverage, but only a pessimist would see that as a negative. Those people won’t last long, and there will be more of that trickle-down money for the rest of us.
I know this whole thing already sounds amazing, but there’s more. Money that corporations and their wealthy owners and executives don’t just hand over to us will be spent, I’m told, on the destruction of robots and other manufacturing machinery that have eliminated good-paying American jobs.
The rich will immediately see to it that more people have jobs on factory production lines and in coal mines, eschewing efficient automation because that’s definitely a thing wise business people do when given more money.
We’ll see an employment explosion, because high tax rates have been holding our economy back.
The dishonest people who follow what’s actually happening with our economy will tell you corporate earnings have already been strong and the stock market has been hitting record highs. But you can’t believe people who dabble in facts.
So please join me in rooting and praying for the Republicans fighting so hard to help those above us who have suffered under the yoke of a tax rate that discourages them from trickling down their riches.
There will be no trickle until the comfortable lives of the comfortably wealthy are made more comfortable. Then, and only then, can they comfort us while still affording yachts.
As it says in the Bible, in the first letter of St. Reagan to the Gulliblations: “Whatsoever you do to the most well-off of my people, so they shall do unto you. Unless they just can’t swing it this quarter.”
Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Reach him by email at firstname.lastname@example.org.