The notoriously anti-Chicago mainstream media complex is claiming that Amazon, the company that helped rid America of annoying privately owned bookstores, is now considering 20 different sites for its second headquarters.
The pundits and ne’er-do-well business reporters begrudgingly say Chicago is “in the running.” But I’m here to tell you the 19 other locales are mere window dressing and a decision to build the $5 billion headquarters here is in the bag.
To understand my confidence, first consider the overwhelming awfulness of Amazon’s other options, which I have summed up in the following 100 percent factual list:
Atlanta – A fetid swamp, hotter than the sun.
Never miss a local story.
Austin – Riddled with weirdos.
Boston – Basically a bar fight that turned into a city.
Columbus – LOL!
Dallas – Likely to secede.
Denver – Stoners cannot be trusted.
Indianapolis – More serial killers per capita than anywhere in the nation.
Los Angeles – Likely to be jettisoned into the sea by an angry God.
Miami – Distractingly sexy.
Montgomery County, Md. – Maryland is inhabited largely by cannibals and mole people.
Nashville – The birthplace of nausea.
Newark – Buildings are made of solidified smog.
New York City – Only place in America that still has independent bookstores, making it horribly off-brand.
Northern Virginia – Too vague.
Philadelphia – Biggest selling point is a cracked bell.
Pittsburgh – Average life expectancy is 14.
Raleigh – Nobody actually knows where this is.
Toronto – Un-American.
Washington, D.C. – A hive of deception and villainy.
Which leaves Amazon with Chicago: the jewel of the Midwest; America’s beating, mildly enlarged heart; the City of Broad Shoulders, perfect for carrying heavy shipping boxes full of reasonably priced goods that make it impossible for mom-and-pop stores to compete.
I assume the company has already made the obvious decision to choose us, but to help Amazon let the other contenders down easy, I have some facts and data on why Chicago is the logical pick:
▪ In 2017, Chicagoans were ranked “Most Amenable To Having Heavy Objects Dropped On Them By Swarms of Delivery Drones” by Drone Delivery Magazine.
▪ The Chicago Tribune reported that some of the main things Amazon is looking for are “access to a major airport, public transportation, top universities and well-educated workers.” With the exception of me, we have all of those things!
▪ Chicago is centrally located, making it an ideal place for a massive online retailer to stretch out its tentacles and connect with consumers eager to never leave their homes again.
▪ We would be willing to give Amazon the naming rights to virtually anything in the city. Millennium Park could easily become Amazon Park, home of the famous Bezos Bean. The Willis Tower could be emptied out and dubbed the Amazon Obelisk. Tickets for Chicago sports teams could be available only to Amazon Prime members.
▪ Chicago is a city rich in handsome newspaper columnists. This may not be entirely important to Amazon’s shareholders, but I thought it was worth mentioning.
▪ We have widespread and much-sought-after corruption that will allow a corporation like Amazon to thrive, unlike other competing cities whose officials wouldn’t know a bribe if it bonked them in the noggin.
▪ Our climate is temperate and steady, with summer and winter being virtually indistinguishable.
▪ Our inland location puts us well out of range of any North Korean missiles, and as rising sea levels consume the East and West coasts, Chicago will likely be the last major city to be submerged.
▪ We’re the Second City and this is Amazon’s second headquarters. C’mon, this stuff pretty much writes itself.
I could go on, but clearly there’s no competition.
Welcome to Chicago, Amazon.
We look forward to being complicit in your glorious and promptly delivered takeover of the world.
Rex Huppke is a Chicago Tribune columnist.