If you think Christmas and Thanksgiving are chronic disasters in your life of dieting, then be advised that some things have entered our chubby existence that are far worse than candy or mashed potatoes with greasy gravy.
I speak, of course, of the fact that Earth is putting on weight and so then are we all.
I am reminded of that knowledge by Kepler-452b, a recently discovered planet that may be similar to ours. None of us here on Earth could live long enough to travel so far. It is unlikely any human will ever reach anywhere near Kepler-452b. Oh, some new high-speed Christopher Columbus might discover some astonishing shortcut through some undiscovered worm hole.
(A worm hole is not a hole for a worm. It is a way some genius might one day find to worm his way through a hole — a short cut — that will navigate a speedy course along time and space.)
Life similar to our home planet may share some of our big ball’s characteristics –– fish, worms, trees, chickens, Putin, not to mention Republicans, Democrats, lobbyists, Wall Street bankers, algae and other scum.
Kepler-452b is much too limp a name. Why not something chummy like Donald or Jeb or Hillary? That planet already has one chilling aspect: According to our dear friends at Wikipedia, “It has a probable mass five times that of Earth and its surface gravity is twice Earth’s,” though that is a rough estimate.
This is where gravity begins to enlarge the personal weight of we who live on this planet. If you know something about gravity, then I regret to inform you that our planet is probably increasing in weight and size. Material is being added to our Earth on a daily basis. And the heavier the earth, the heavier you will be, even without eating any more.
Every day, meteorites rain down on our planet, adding to the weight of our world. The larger our earth (and the heavier), the more a growing gravity will pull our feet down more strongly onto our bathroom scales. Our scales do not lie, though we wish they would.
Sooner or later, the daily rocky trash that slams into our existing global home will accumulate enough stuff to adjust upward how much our planet weighs.
In the beginning, there was no world to live on. Then pieces of rubble from the big bang collected near our sun and came together. Then that clump congealed and eventually turned into a big ball — a ball so large that we could walk on it.
Eventually, minor additions of rocky stuff pounding our planet each day won’t necessarily add personal bulk to us, but the bulk we have always had will weigh more. In some future year, you will be eating no more than your daily 3,000 calories but your official weight will be 10 or 30 or 300 pounds heavier.
Chairs will break under our growing meteorite-augmented weight, thereby requiring a worldwide campaign to remodel and strengthen furniture and beds and operating tables.
Forget about global warming. The far greater danger to our lives and happiness may come from global fattening. People all over the world stand slack-jawed watching television clips of polar ice disappearing before their own bewildered eyes.
So why should anyone believe ln global fattening if he is too slow to believe excess global weather?
However, just as the overheating Earth is doubted by billions of gullible innocents, most of us won’t believe we are in any danger of a larger world and a much heavier you.
(You must excuse me now. We had a meteor shower last night and I have to go weigh myself.)
Contact Bill Hall at firstname.lastname@example.org or at 1012 Prospect Ave., Lewiston, ID 83501.