Not to smear the guy or anything, but ...
A drunken driver covered in dog feces was arrested late Saturday — very carefully — in unincorporated Pierce County after he drove into a pasture and the farmer boxed him in with a tractor, sheriff's deputies said Wednesday.
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According to sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer:
About 11:15 p.m. Saturday, a driver called 911 to report a drunken driver on 122nd Street East near 52nd Avenue East, saying that a white SUV ran a couple red lights and nearly hit multiple vehicles.
About 10 minutes later, a woman called 911 to report someone drove an SUV through the gate to their 20-acre pasture. She said her husband had boxed the vehicle in with his tractor.
Deputies arrived to meet the couple, and the husband handed the deputies the man's car keys.
The deputies went to the pasture gate, where they found the SUV, boxed in, with the driver passed out in the front seat.
And then they smelled what had happened.
"As I approached the vehicle, I immediately smelled a very strong odor of feces, strong enough to overwhelm any other smell," one deputy wrote in a report.
The poop was smeared along the side of the SUV, and the driver was coated in it, which repeatedly brought that deputy to the brink of vomiting.
The deputies woke the man up, and he struggled to answer their basic questions. He told them he had "a lot" of tequila shots and admitted he shouldn't have been driving.
Given the man's state, deputies chose to skip the field sobriety tests, but they had to get the poop-covered man across the field to their patrol vehicles.
Central Pierce Fire & Rescue crews arrived and put the man in a Tyvex suit to keep the mess contained.
The deputies then met with the property owners, who were able to give the missing piece of the story.
The husband told them he blocked the SUV in because they had been stolen from several times recently. When the husband parked the tractor, the man took off running.
The man jumped over a fence and tried to hide in a large container.
That was his big mistake.
The container was full of dog feces — the property owners have more than 15 kennels on their property.
The husband told the man to get back into his car or else he would "be in a world of ..."
It was a little late for that, but the man dutifully gave the homeowner his keys, got in his SUV and catnapped until deputies arrived.
The man was cleaned up and eventually booked into Pierce County Jail on suspicion of driving under the influence.