Hide the children in the cellar and deadbolt the door. Mary Jane is coming to a neighborhood near you. And we’re not talking about Spiderman’s girlfriend or Buster Brown’s sweetheart who wore patent-leather shoes of the same name.
When recreational Mary Jane finally hits Washington’s retail market in early July, the timing couldn’t be worse.
Most Pierce County students will be coasting into their third week of summer break. The fireworks stands will be closed. The Mariners will probably be losing again. And the kids will be crying boredom – the first step toward a full-blown tumble into reefer madness.
Good thing Gov. Jay “The Straight Dope” Inslee and the state Liquor Control Board came to the rescue this week, pledging to keep weed away from the wee ones.
More to the point, they pledged to keep a lid on marijuana-infused edibles that have youth appeal – say, gummi bears, lollipops and bubblegum joints.
Child-proof containers? Check. Clearly marked packaging? Check. Well-meaning public officials desperately trying to put the Initiative 502 genie back in the bottle? Check.
The governor trying to show the White House he’ll protect kids from the evil leaf in exchange for letting adults enjoy a fat bowl of kief? Check.
And who can blame them?: Mom and dad need to find an affordable buzz somewhere, now that Starbucks has raised its prices again.
Zoinks!: And Joe Camel had better not invite any of his ganja-smoking pals to this adults-only party.
“We’re just not going to let toys or cartoon figures be used on our labels,” said Sharon Foster, chairwoman of the liquor board.
There’s just one problem, ma’am. You’re too late. Cartoon pro-pot propaganda cannot be stopped.
Every time an impressionable boy flips on the TV this summer and watches “Scooby Doo,” he’ll get a subliminal faceful of it.
See Scooby and Shaggy giggling and doing who knows what in the back of their van, always with the munchies, forever clumsy, but somehow managing to solve mysteries.
If that doesn’t glorify the hippy lettuce, what does?
Don’t get us started on Sponge Bob, or the Magic School Bus.
Trick or treat: Emergency rules for marijuana-infused products were adopted this week, and are set to expire 120 days after filing, on Oct. 23.
We assume the state will adopt permanent rules by then. But you might want to sample your kids’ Halloween candy, just to be safe.
Infusion confusion: Our head was spinning after we read all the rules for marijuana-laced foods. For instance, in one place it says these products “must be homogenized” and in another place it forbids “dairy products of any kind.”
Make up your mind, nanny state bureaucracy!
• No pumpkin pies, custard pies, or any pies that contain egg.
That’s good news for Sumner, ‘cause it says nothing about rhubarb pies. Let the good times roll!
• No dried or cured meats.
That’s bad news for the butcher at the Pike Place Market who feeds pot to his pigs.
• “Marijuana-infused jams and jellies made from scratch must utilize a standardized recipe ...”
And it shall be called ... Pearl Jam!
There’s no getting over it, bro: An Oklahoma City minor-league baseball broadcaster in Tacoma this week almost had to go into hiding after incurring the wrath of local sports fans.
Alex Freedman, who calls the games and manages media relations for the visiting RedHawks, was taking in the sights at Cheney Stadium Monday when he posted what he thought was a harmless tweet:
“Fan in the stands with a sign that reads ‘Rainiers, win this one for the Sonics.’ They’re never gonna get over it, are they?”
In a word, no. But Freedman’s remark triggered a social media uproar that couldn’t be contained to a word.
That fan in the stands was Tacoma’s own Kris “Sonics Guy” Brannon, and he and his legion of supporters flamed the hapless OKC’er on Twitter.
“And this guy is in Media Relations? He’s got zero grasp on what had happened with Our Sonics.”
“You kicked the Hornets nest.”
“Don’t make fun of Sonics Guy bro.”
Freedman was rattled enough to apologize, take down his tweet and deny any loyalty to the Oklahoma City Thunder.
But the ultimate triumph was reflected on the ballpark scoreboard: The Rainiers beat the RedHawks in four straight games.
All for the Sonics, bro.