The Nose

The Nose: Prosecutor Lindquist almost a reality TV star, and we called it

A program following the professional life of Pierce County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist, complete with graphs, charts and Powerpoint presentations, would have made for must-see TV.
A program following the professional life of Pierce County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist, complete with graphs, charts and Powerpoint presentations, would have made for must-see TV. Lui Kit Wong

Our extrasensory perception never fails to amaze us. The Schnoz has a knack for sniffing out a future trend, great idea or buried secret with uncanny precision, without even trying.

They don’t call us Nostril-damus for nuthin’.

Consider a column from nearly three years ago, in which we cracked wise about the stratospheric rise of County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist.

His career arc appeared unlimited in those days of winning elections, writing crime novels, leading United Way campaigns, and picking Daffodil queens and District Court judges. And he somehow still found time to bask in the afterglow of his 16-candlepower romance with Molly Ringwald.

Those were heady days for Our Prosecutor, before he was saddled with whistleblower complaints, a federal lawsuit and an effort now afoot to boot him from office.

Before he flew too close to the sun with wings of wax.

So here’s what we wrote on Nov. 16, 2012:

Lindquist is an ambitious dude with many interests. Who knows what ultimate life goals lay nestled in his restless heart, hidden behind those unsmiling lips and Big-Brother-Is-Watching-You eyes?

“Mayor? Attorney general? CIA director? Creator and star of a new reality TV series, “The Prosecutor,” in which he gives a rose to one jail inmate each week as a promise to drop all charges?”

All of this was a bunch of hooey, of course. Good for a few chuckles, at best.

Little did we know the last part came absurdly close to being true.

Ready for prime time: Turns out Lindquist fell a few steps short of starring in a reality show four years before we wrote that column.

The working title was (wait for it) “The Prosecutor,” according to a contract drafted by Piranha Entertainment, a Seattle production company. The document gives a taste of what could have been — a show we would’ve paid money to see.

“The series will follow the activities of prosecuting attorney Mark Lindquist and members of the Pierce County prosecutor’s office in their efforts to dispense justice,” the contract states. A production crew would spend one or two days a week “following key cases that go through the prosecutor’s office, and specifically those cases handled by Mark Lindquist.”

Keep in mind this was 2007, and Marky Mark wasn’t even the head honcho yet. He was the chief criminal deputy, still two years from being appointed to replace retiring Prosecutor Gerry Horne.

But oh, those cheekbones! Those People magazine most-eligible-bachelor features! That Brat Pack swagger! That combination of Atticus Finch’s physique, Jackie Chiles’ feistiness and Harvey Dent’s charm!

Lindquist was leading man material, beyond a reasonable doubt.

A dream denied: Alas, we only caught whiff of this story recently when paperwork started flying during the effort to recall Lindquist from office.

The Piranha contract was included in a declaration filed by former deputy prosecutor Bertha Fitzer. (The same Bertha Fitzer who ran against Lindquist in 2010, and lost.)

She states in the brief that Lindquist persuaded Horne to agree to the reality TV idea, but she helped stop it.

“I, and others within the office, opposed the use of the Prosecutor’s Office for this purpose, and the contract was never executed,” Fitzer’s declaration states.

And the rest of us, starved for something good to watch on TV since “Cops” stopped filming in Lakewood, were left to suffer.

There ain’t no justice.

Other Lindquist TV properties we’d like to see:

▪ “Prosecutorial Vindictiveness” — An action series about a heroic county prosecutor who takes down bad guys the hard way after a stubborn judge won’t let him do his job.

▪ “The Stepford Deputies” — A glamorous legal drama about an office of attractive attorneys who are programmed to execute the orders of their boss, a heroic county prosecutor.

▪ “The Confederacy of Dunces” — A situation comedy about bumbling defense lawyers who keep finding new ways to annoy a heroic county prosecutor. Madcap hijinks and botched plea bargains ensue.

 
Coming soon to a Gig Harbor waterfront near you? (TNT staff photo illustration.)

Controversy in Giggles Harbor?: The Inter Webs are full of preposterous stuff.

We stumbled on an authentic-looking Web page this week that purports the Gig Harbor City Council plans to replace the iconic fisherman statue at Skansie Brothers Park with a likeness of President Obama.

It has more than 400 alleged petitioners demanding the city keep the fisherman.

It’s obviously a prank, a fraud, a phony.

Everyone knows by the time a statue gets built, Obama will be out of office.

Sources tell us the real plan is for a monument to his heir apparent.

This brewery is good to go: The TNT’s intrepid food-and-beverage scribe informs us that the Gig Harbor Brewing Company will open this weekend.

In Tacoma.

Da Harbor, according to da owner, was too expensive.

In homage to its namesake city, we expect to see a $5 upcharge for bridge-crossers, a gated parking area for BMWs and a drink list of all-white ales.

You can take the beer out of Gig Harbor, but you can’t take Gig Harbor out of the beer.

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