Hug your children, kiss your wife and pray for your pets.
Something wicked this way comes Saturday night as Washington confronts the dark autumn night of its soul — the ghastly custom that makes monsters and zombies of us all.
The problem isn’t Halloween. On the contrary, Allhallows Eve should be a federal holiday. On what other night can you get a dose of “universal health scare” at the Pierce County Asylum, attend a costume ball hosted by the Gritty City Sirens, and see the governor dress up like Batman?
The problem is what happens later, at the witching hour of 2 a.m., when we have to revert to Pacific Standard Time.
The government shouldn’t be in the business of putting time back on the clock. That should be left to private-sector experts, like football referees and game show hosts.
Fall back? Spring forward? Do the hokey pokey, and turn yourself around? For the love of Copernicus, stop messing with our circadian rhythms and make up your minds!
Incessant clock changes are, in a word, cuckoo. And the thrill of time travel isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
If we wanted to live in the past, we’d move to Fircrest or Sumner.
The happy never lasts: The end of Daylight Saving Time always lulls people into a temporary happy place.
Some folks appreciate the extra hour to drink themselves stupid, or sleep off the hangover. (The state Liquor Control Board says bars can extend closing time by an hour, if they want.)
Some folks enjoy having a longer Sunday morning to prepare for their religious observance (i.e., Seahawks kickoff).
Cellphones are smart enough to automatically change times. Unfortunately, pets, dairy cows and children are not.
Most adults aren’t wired for it, either. Studies show the twice-yearly clock-resettting ritual leads to more car wrecks, on-the-job accidents, heart attacks and blinking VCRs thrown out of living-room windows.
Never underestimate the power of the dark side.
Yoda, explaining the evils of losing an hour of daylight every fall
Eventually, our biological clocks break down completely, as useless as the clock faces on Tacoma’s Old City Hall.
The real reason everyone grows old and moves to Arizona? The time never changes there.
Get me to the church on time: A handful of state lawmakers this year proposed bills that would stop the clock-changing madness — either by killing Daylight Saving Time or by imposing it year-round.
Sen. Jeannie Darneille, D-Tacoma, co-sponsored a bill to end DST because it’s based on an outdated agrarian calendar. But she says she could go either way. She just wants to see things standardized, in part for people like her with sensitive sleep cycles.
Also, for people who show up to church at the wrong time twice a year. (We won’t name names. You know who you are, reverend.)
“It just annoys me whenever (a time change) comes up,” Darneille tells The Schnoz, “and I’m not alone.”
Aye, senator, you’re not. And yet these bills always die a quick death in Olympia.
Maybe it’s a political plot. Stretching election season by an hour means the pols can bomb us with even more robocalls.
A grass-roots uprising may be the only way to restore chronological order. (Or a Tim Eyman initiative. He used to be a watch salesman, after all.)
So join the revolution! Don’t set your clocks back this weekend! Show up everywhere an hour early, and don’t leave until our demands are met! Refuse to submit to the power of the dark side!
We won’t give up until we’re guaranteed long summer evenings 12 months a year. Surely the government can find a way to do that.
I’d like to legislate it being light outside a lot more.
Sen. Jeannie Darneille, D-Tacoma
Holy ozone layer, Batman!: Gov. Jay Inslee and first lady Trudi are again fulfilling their duties set forth in the state constitution to hand out Halloween candy at the mansion from 6 to 7:30 p.m.
This year they’ll wear Batman and Robin getups.
Unfortunately for the Inslees, the bar was set impossibly high when Russell Wilson and his girlfriend, Ciara, dressed up as Batman and Catwoman for her recent 30th birthday party. (Meow!)
At this point it would take a two-thirds vote of the Legislature to change the official gubernatorial costume choice. So we’re stuck with Washington’s first carbon-neutral man in tights.
Let’s hope he doesn’t have to stop to plug the Batmobile into a charging station while in hot pursuit of a supervillain.
What will Dave Reichert wear?: The Republican congressman from Auburn should go as the Joker for Halloween.
Because when faced with a losing fight against Batman, the Joker famously ran away.