Five good and bad things about going to Oregon to watch Monday’s solar eclipse.
1 Good. The thrill of not having to pump your own gas — unless you run out of fuel on a Crook County highway while stuck in an eclipse-chaser traffic jam.
2 Good. An eclipse is the most exciting thing to hit Oregon Coast since 1970, when the state blew up a rotting whale carcass with a half ton of dynamite.
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3 Bad. It always stinks being surrounded by all those annoying folks who flaunt the University of Oregon “O” logo with religious-like fervor.
4 Good. Portland isn’t located in the zone of totality, and the city’s smug hipsters are convulsed with cosmic outrage. How could the gods exclude them from something so cool?
5 Bad. If you stare too long at the eclipse, it will drive you crazy by permanently burning the Oregon “O” logo on your eyeballs.