Opinion

The Five Spot: 5 explanations for Satanists leaving Tacoma school

From the Editorial Board

This guy had to go from Point Defiance Elementary School. We can think of at least five reasons why.
This guy had to go from Point Defiance Elementary School. We can think of at least five reasons why.

Five possible reasons the After-School Satan Club is ending its programs at a Tacoma elementary school this fall.

1 Children frequently pulled fire alarm due to brimstone flareups in supply closet. Also complained constantly about deviled eggs at snack time.

2 Could never find songbook of catchy Secular Humanist carols or druid incantations for kids to sing in December.

3 School district said they’d have to share space with other unpopular afterschool clubs: the lawyers, future members of Congress and fake news media clubs.

4 Hurricanes, wildfires, Kim Jong Un, Donald John Trump: Even in the most unchurched part of America, families are finding lots of reasons to pray lately.

5 After wisely deciding to change to less offensive club name, they unwisely went with newly available RedLine Tacoma.

And, back by popular demand, an online bonus Sixth Spot!

6 Got tired of confused parents showing up and saying, “Oops, we thought this was the Santa Club.”

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