Opinion Columns & Blogs

A Neanderthal coming to a neighborhood near you

Bill Hall
Bill Hall

In no more than a decade or two, you may have a new guy in your neighborhood, the sort of guy who hasn’t been around for thousands of years, a Neanderthal kind of a guy.

Some itchy scientists are closing in on finding a way to bring back extinct animals – animals like wooly mammoths, dodos, passenger pigeons, sane Democrats and moderate Republicans.

One year soon we will have a new and different kind of latter-day relative who has come back from the past expecting to be called cousin. Scientists are now noodling around, hoping to bring back Neanderthals.

By now, no one except pessimists who deny everything from climate change to a flat earth will believe recent revelations that most of us are partly Neanderthal – but we are.

In a few years, science will reach deep into yesteryear and bring forth a 100 percent, actual Neanderthal. As we hide in our houses, we will be asking ourselves “Is this a good thing or is this a bad thing?”

It depends on whether we are talking about a good thing for us or for the first returning Neanderthal.

Once upon a time, a Neanderthal was no more than a slightly different version of our own dominant humanoid self, a kind of human who previously merged with our specific kind way back in time before their kind petered out. Consequently there is no longer any doubt that almost all of us are about 4 percent Neanderthal.

The tragedy is that the Neanderthals who used to go out and play with our kind faded away thousands of years ago. Now we and our 4 percent are all that is left of them.

Humans have always been minglers who accept a roll in the hay. That includes specific nationalities such as Irish, Spanish, original Americans, Germans, Russians, Danes and the politician Donald Trump who has married his own mirror

Long ago frisky sex partners of all nationalities gradually acquired 4 percent, 12 percent. 50 percent and other portions of our kind. Racial “purity” is currently just a beneficial joke on all of us by a playful Mother Nature.

Now we find a few scientists eager to generate a 100 percent Neanderthal. We get weary of the same old blend of mixed human genes. The people of our world are like James Bond martinis. We are both stirred and shaken.

Now we have curious scientists who want to create something unnecessary just to prove they can.

We have to admit that, even if they succeed in producing a creature almost identical to us, that is not exactly like the triumph of a journey to Mars or a breakthrough on repairing severed spinal cords.

This world has already been improved by massive mixtures of all kinds of humans who now roam this gorgeous orb on which we live. After all, racial purity is boring and no help at all when it comes to blending and thereby improving the kind of humans we have almost become.

Meanwhile, how would you like to be that lonely first new Neanderthal?

Perhaps the latest model of a Neanderthal will father a child who is half a conventional human and half a genuine Neanderthal, a creature that many rude people will treat as some kind of curiosity.

Sad to ask, but will that new dad and his child, who spring from the ways of an ancient world, disappear into one of our jungles, hiding out to avoid the pointing and the cruel laughter and the hatred?

Most of all, loneliness is the pain of the first new living Neanderthal.

Contact Bill Hall at wilberth@cableone.net or at 1012 Prospect Ave., Lewiston, ID 83501.

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