There are two things I’m known for: punctuality and predictions. When it comes to appointments I’m never late. When it comes to the future I’m rarely wrong. Which is why I enjoy this time of year.
I laugh as I read “experts” trying to forecast what will come to pass in 2016. For them it’s an exercise in futility, whereas for me it’s almost as if I can mold the future to how I see it.
No doubt you will scoff at this assertion, so allow me the opportunity to prove it. Recently I stumbled across some predictions I made for last year — 2015 — that I would love to share with you. While I may be a year late (OK, so I’m not always on time) I think you’ll be in awe of how close I came. I’m sure the following events are still fresh in your mind.
Feb. 1: In Super Bowl 49, the Seahawks ride Marshawn Lynch’s legs and determination to a hard-fought victory against the Patriots. The game is in doubt until, with just over 20 seconds to go in the fourth quarter, Lynch punches the ball into the end zone from one yard out. I mean, what else would they do? Throw the ball?!
April 15: After a few minor hiccups, Big Bertha finishes the tunneling project ahead of schedule and under budget. When asked why the work suddenly sped up after months of slow-going, the project manager responded sheepishly, “We, um, took the parking brake off.”
June 13: Radio Shack, flush with cash from record earnings, announces a bid to purchase Best Buy’. A spokesperson for Radio Shack’ promises the deal will put new technology into the hands of the public, including HD fax machines and rotary cell phones. However, the deal is called off when the company tries to finance it entirely with Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
June 16: On his way to announce his candidacy for president, Donald Trump is kidnapped and deported by the combined forces of ICE and PETA. Apparently, it seems his hair is not only alive but also related to the endangered Venezuelan Talking Squirrel, making him guilty of harboring an illegal alien.
When asked about the ramifications for the Republican Party, Chris Christie laughed and responded, “Ramifications? Please! Even a guy from New Jersey could see ‘The Donald’ had no shot! Also, they didn’t deport the danish, right?”
Sept. 19: Apple releases the iPhone 6s. At the unveiling, CEO Tim Cook spends the majority of time highlighting a hidden screen where you can press numbers on a keypad allowing your phone to connect — or “call” — another phone and actually “speak” with the other user. Millennials revolt, taking over and occupying Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California. Hostage negotiators are brought in to make contact with the rebels but are unable since nobody in the building knows how to answer the calls.
Sept. 20: Volkswagen wins EPA’s coveted “Friend of the Earth Award” for its ground-breaking innovation in clean diesel technology. When asked how the company is able to make cars with such low emissions, Volkswagen CEO Lyers Lars-Pantzonfier — perhaps losing something in translation — replied, “Admission? We have no admission!” Sales skyrocket on the news of the company’s “zero-admission” vehicles.
Dec. 18: “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” opens and is considered a monumental flop. After a record-setting opening day, future moviegoers stay away due to poor reviews. Reasons cited include contrived dialogue, horrible special effects and lifeless acting. However, most say the final straw was when the USS Enterprise arrived to battle the Millennium Falcon.
Director J.J. Abrams, fearing for his life, is seen buying a plane ticket to the Dagobah system. Somewhere, off in the distance, a Wookie cries.
Not too shabby, huh? Like I said, it was as if I could shape the future with my own two thoughts.
I would really love to stay and let you in on what will occur in the coming year, but my financial guy called with a line on that Radio Shack stock. And you know me, I don’t want to be late.
Zac Smith is a water quality technician who lives near a hospital on Tacoma’s Hilltop, which is convenient considering his red meat intake. He is one of six reader columnists who write for this page. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.