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The Nose: Senator’s Pam’s backers don’t want to deprive constituents of a double dose

Eureka! During a well-deserved week off, The Sniff snored over a solution to the great issue of our time: government efficiency.

Our old pal Pistol Pam Roach has the answer: Just let all our public officials hold two posts at once.

State Senator Pam represents the proud 31st Legislative District in Olympia, but she’s also running to be Pierce County Councilwoman Pam, representing the proud Second Council District of the Kingdom of Sumner, which is sort of close to the Dominion of Auburn, but never mind those details.

Leave it to the Pierce County Charter Review Commission to screw up a beautiful plan. Commissioners have proposed an amendment to the county charter that would ask voters whether an elected official can hold two offices at the same time.

The idea was approved 11-9 Wednesday, but not before a swarm of Roach backers — OK, it was about four people — laid siege to the commission and complained about how unfair the proposal would be to northern constituents who would be denied the blessings of Pam in favor of southern riffraff.

Leave it to the Pierce County Charter Review Commission to screw up a beautiful plan. Commissioners have proposed an amendment to the county charter that would ask voters whether an elected official can hold two offices at the same time.

All about the business of the people, of course — what could be more important? Yet during the meeting, Commissioner Greg Hartman referred to a mysterious call from an unnamed lobbyist who urged a no vote on the proposed amendment to let said people vote yea or nay, because it might have unknown effects on pension legislation.

Whatever could that mean? Wait (turns head like curious puppy) — does this whole double-officeholder thing mean two public salaries and two sets of public pension benefits? Clever!

Note that Senator Pam has already declared her position. If she wins one of the seven County Council thrones, she’ll give up her Senate seat — after the 2017 legislative session ends, of course.

Admittedly, it’s a tough choice. Hang out in the Senate for six months hunting bouquet thieves and insolent staffers, or stifle attacks of the yawns in County Council chambers as Councilman Derek Young launches into a clock-killing dissertation about another of his wonkily brilliant proposals.

Still, the utility of the two-office scheme is so obvious it’s hard to see how anyone could oppose it. Think of the applications!

Gov. Big Jay Inslee could serve as state auditor, declare all state agencies are in peak fiscal condition, then fire himself without a fuss if controversy arises. Imagine the reduced court time if Our Prosecutor, Mark Lindquist, could serve as Your Defense Attorney in the same case: Maximum protection of your civil rights, ultra-fast verdicts, plus TV appearances!

High school for sale: It’s the season of senior-itis, which must explain the recent listing of Puyallup High School on the Offerup website, also known as Craigslist with much better formatting, or alternatively, your online choice for stolen stuff.

The (presumed) student, Bailey Walker, posted a set of pics for prospective buyers, along with a brief pitch:

“Description

Don’t really need this anymore and need some extra cash for college

comes fully staffed

— a lot of bathrooms

— 2 in-ground pools and hot tub

— 4 locker rooms

— kitchen

— auto shop and studios

— perfect for trapping

— there’s a rat in the gym

Condition

Used (normal wear)”

But what a job of underselling. I mean come on, Bailey -- think of the features you ignored.

Evidently, Walker found a buyer, though the sale price is unlisted. But what a job of underselling. I mean come on, Bailey — think of the features you ignored:

— Endless flights of stairs, creating a bad Hogwarts impression.

— A demonic class scheduler who specializes in arranging classes for the longest possible trips between buildings and journeys up and down said flights of stairs.

— A street configuration surrounding the building complex that makes no sense.

— A nice set of double doors leading to a hodgepodge of old and new designs and a layout that requires half a year to navigate.

— Direct access to a coffee bar across the street, except oops — you’re not allowed to go there.

— Forgotten teachers holed up in various cubbyholes and portables, grousing about ambitious administrators.

— Old plumbing in the worst places.

Those are just a few tips for an ideal online ad, Bailey. We know, we know — you’re already done and out the door, but think of the sad sacks you’re leaving behind. Good luck!

Got news for The Nose? Write to TheNose@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @thenosetribune

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