Matt Driscoll: A not-so-serious State of the City address

On Wednesday, inside a Hotel Murano ballroom filled with people flush enough to shell out $40 a pop to be there, Tacoma Mayor Marilyn Strickland delivered her annual State of the City address.

Speaking for close to an hour, according to The News Tribune’s Adam Ashton (who was lucky enough to witness the magic in person), our fearless mayor touched on a number of very important subjects. Police accountability. The Trans-Pacific Partnership agreement. Ping pong tables.

It was all very official and all very serious. The mayor’s theme was simple: Better together.

(Google tells me that’s also the name of a Jack Johnson song. I’m not sure who that is.)

A few blocks away, at an empty Tollefson Plaza, a hack columnist on an unpaid lunch break delivered his own, not-so-official State of the City speech.

The low turnout — consisting at first of several unimpressed-looking birds — was surprising, considering admission was free and I brought a full-size Mike’s Deluxe from MSM for people to share. But I guess that’s Tollefson Plaza for you.

“I mean, things are good. Really good. Never been better, really,” I said from the highest of red steps, looking out over the crowd that wasn’t there.

I continued, my confidence and rhetoric swelling.

“It’s been a great year, man. It really has. Think about it. Voters increased the minimum wage, and there’s a Chick-fil-A over by the mall now. Something for everyone.

“Tacoma is solid.”

Just then, one of the three birds in my audience flew away.

Undeterred, I carried on.

While the mayor managed to avoid mention of the ongoing methanol debate in her State of the City address, aside from saying “Tacoma is a better city when we realize it’s OK to disagree, but please do it in a way that’s thoughtful and uses facts,” (zing) — I had no such hesitation when it came to acknowledging the environmental elephant in the room.

“While many would argue that the prospect of the world’s largest methanol plant has been a bad thing for Tacoma, I take a glass-half-full view,” I said, borrowing one of News Tribune state government reporter Melissa Santos’ favorite clichés.

“Consider this, Tacomans. Before the methanol plant debate, the only time Seattle media wrote about our beloved city was when something bad happened in Parkland or Spanaway,” I pointed out. “We’ve come a long way. We really have. ”

“I mean, just the other day some writer with the Seattle Weekly got nearly 800 words in print about Tacoma, and there wasn’t one mention of the D.C. Sniper or gang violence from the ’80s.”

No State of the City address would be complete without giving a few shout-outs to Tacomans who’ve achieved great things in the last year, so naturally I obliged.

“It’s been a big year for some of Tacoma’s favorite personalities,” I noted. “Vicci Martinez continues to make Tacoma proud with her stellar music career. Locally famous rock band Girl Trouble is going to make it big any day now, I can just feel it. And Pierce County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist continues to be one of Nancy Grace’s most popular guests.”

Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows last year, and I admitted as much.

“Certainly, we’ve suffered losses and setbacks,” I said, choking back emotions and a last bit of that Mike’s Deluxe. “I think we all remember when Amanda Knox visited. And the character of the Proctor District has been effectively ruined by a six-story building.”

“I’m not going to sugarcoat it. There have been other rough patches, too. When Hilltop Kitchen closed, well-off folks from the North End lost an incredible craft cocktail destination. That stings. It really does.

“Now where are people from the North End supposed to go to experience Hilltop for a few hours?” I wondered aloud.

Scanning across the plaza, I noticed a few University of Washington Tacoma students were now listening from afar, my message obviously resonating. It was time for my big finish.

“As we move into the next year, let us cherish the things that make Tacoma special.

“We’ve got minor league baseball, Dale Chihuly and a medical marijuana storefront in every strip mall. We’ve got Pao’s Donuts, Link light rail and several coffee shops that aren’t Starbucks. We’ve got the Lincoln District, the Sonics Guy, and a pothole for every man, woman and child.

“Plus, let us always remember: At least we’re not Seattle.”

This story was originally published February 27, 2016 at 3:02 AM with the headline "Matt Driscoll: A not-so-serious State of the City address."